Portal 2 (2011 Video Game)

J.K. Simmons: Cave Johnson

Quotes 

• Cave Johnson : [Cave Johnson died long before the events of the game. Chell and GLaDOS are listening to his last recorded words, a message for his human test subjects, which he made while he was deathly ill]  All right, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade!

  GLaDOS : Yeah.

  Cave Johnson : Make life take the lemons back!

  GLaDOS : Yeah!

  Cave Johnson : Get Mad!

  GLaDOS : Yeah!

  Cave Johnson : I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?

  GLaDOS : Yeah, take the lemons!

  Cave Johnson : Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down - with the lemons!

  GLaDOS : Oh, I like this guy.

  Cave Johnson : I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that'll burn your house down!

  GLaDOS : Burn it down! Burning people. He says what we're all thinking.

  Cave Johnson : [sickly cough]  The point is, if we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's inteligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that one out right now. Brain mapping, artificial inteligence - we should've been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me in to a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.

  [another sickly cough] 

  Cave Johnson : Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't do it. She's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care.

  [another sickly cough] 

  Cave Johnson : All right, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.

  GLaDOS : Goodbye, sir.

• Cave Johnson : Just a heads up: we're gonna have a superconductor turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest - we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best-case scenario, you might get some superpowers. Worst case, some tumors, which we'll cut out.

• Cave Johnson : Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.

• Cave Johnson : The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughta stop making these prerecorded messages. That gave me an idea - make more prerecorded messages! I pay the bills here; I can talk about the control group all damn day.

• Cave Johnson : All these science spheres are made out of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos.

• Cave Johnson : Science isn't about *why* - it's about *why not*. *Why* is so much of our science dangerous? Why not *marry* safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because *you are fired!* Not you, test subject. You're doing fine.

  [to someone else] 

  Cave Johnson : Yes, *you*. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.

• Cave Johnson : All these spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough, or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos. Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you're thirty or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into a calculator, it makes a happy face.

• Cave Johnson : For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel. In layman's terms, that's a billion little gizmos that are going to travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumors. Now, maybe you don't have any tumors. Well, don't worry. If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren't wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.

• Cave Johnson : As founder and CEO of Aperture Science, I thank you for your participation and hope we can count on you for another round of tests. We're not going to release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there will always be a limo waiting for you. Say goodbye, Caroline.

  Caroline : Goodbye, Caroline!

  Cave Johnson : She is a gem.

• Cave Johnson : [prerecorded message]  The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.

  GLaDOS : [on Chell's portal gun]  Hold on, who...?

  Cave Johnson : [to Caroline]  Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?

  Caroline : Yes, sir, Mr. Johnson!

  GLaDOS : [simultaneously but slower]  Yes, sir, Mister Johnson.

  [snaps out of it] 

  GLaDOS : Why did I just - ? Who is that? What the *hell* is going on he...

  [shorts out] 

• Cave Johnson : [prerecorded message]  Welcome, gentlemen, to Aperture Science. Astronauts, war heroes, Olympians - you're here because we want the best, and you are it. So who is ready to make some science?

  Caroline : I am!

  Cave Johnson : Ha ha! Now, you already met one another on the limo ride over, so let me introduce myself. I'm Cave Johnson. I own the place. That eager voice you heard is the lovely Caroline, my assistant. Rest assured, she has transferred your honorarium to the charitable organization of your choice. Isn't that right, Caroline?

  Caroline : Yes, sir, Mister Johnson.

  Cave Johnson : She's the backbone of this facility. Pretty as a postcard, too. Sorry, fellas. She's married. To science.

• Cave Johnson : Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 senate hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented - but that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt-...

  Caroline : Sir, the testing?

  Cave Johnson : Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phonebook of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?" Let me answer those questions with a question. Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash. You can also feel free to relax for up to twenty minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you. So! Welcome to Aperture. You're here because we want the best, and you're it. Nope. Couldn't keep a straight face.