- Manny Delgado: Can I go golfing with you?
- Jay Pritchett: Eh, I'm probably gonna have a Latino kid carry my clubs anyway. Might as well be you.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.
- Manny Delgado: And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.
- Jay Pritchett: Because I babied it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You don't have to convince us. You have to convince Him.
- Jay Pritchett: Who, God? Me and God are good.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: How would you know?
- Jay Pritchett: Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Are you gonna go to church next week?
- Jay Pritchett: We'll see.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm done with church.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Don't say that!
- Pepper Saltzman: I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm a joke, that's who.
- Cameron Tucker: No. You're not a joke. You're Pepper Saltzman.
- Phil Dunphy: Buddy. You okay?
- Luke Dunphy: [pointing to the cabinet] That thing almost fell on me. I was sitting there, and it came this close to my head.
- Phil Dunphy: It's alright. You're okay. You didn't get hurt.
- Luke Dunphy: Well, I'm not going wait around here until I do-
- [bangs into wall]
- Phil Dunphy: It's like they say: sometimes when God closes a door, he closes it so hard that your wife can't get out.