- Jay Pritchett: Where's my good underwear?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay? You make a nice living.
- Haley Dunphy: My pimple's starting to show.
- Claire Dunphy: Can you stand?
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah.
- Claire Dunphy: Then this picture's happening.
- Haley Dunphy: It's all everyone's gonna see!
- Claire Dunphy: [Sees Gloria wearing a short, slinky dress] Somehow I doubt that.
- Cameron Tucker: All right, we get it. You don't like small talk and birds. You're lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat about the weather.
- Jay Pritchett: Then one day Will Chamberlain shows up. He says "Can you take a little off the top for my friend here?" And it's Elvis.
- Luke Dunphy: No way!
- Jay Pritchett: Greatest singer that ever lived, after Sinatra. I'll fight any man who says different.
- Luke Dunphy: My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.
- Jay Pritchett: Then I guess I gotta fight your dad.
- Jay Pritchett: How do you turn the sprinklers off?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: ¡Ay! Of course! Because I'm Latina I'm supposed to know everything about gardening and sprinklers!
- Jay Pritchett: You were here when they installed it!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, yeah...
- Jay Pritchett: So you don't like small talk. That's how I met Gloria. You remember what I said?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes. "I like chocolate and I like fruit, but not together."
- Jay Pritchett: You couldn't come up with that, Ivy League?
- Manny Delgado: [At the Lakers' game] Cool. The 'Kiss-cam'! Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started...?
- Alex Dunphy: We're related.
- Manny Delgado: Not by blood.
- Alex Dunphy: Touch me and there will be blood.
- Phil Dunphy: My idea was to have the whole family on a giant bed like in Willie Wonka.
- Claire Dunphy: That's ridiculous.
- Phil Dunphy: Ridicul-icious.
- Phil Dunphy: [Phil thinks Claire saw him and Gloria on the Kiss-cam at the Lakers' game] I didn't do anything, she kissed me.
- Claire Dunphy: What? Who kissed you?
- Phil Dunphy: Gloria.
- Jay Pritchett: What?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It was the Kiss Cam.
- Jay Pritchett: Why did you kiss Cam?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, I kissed Phil. He told me I had to.
- Phil Dunphy: No, no.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, hang on a second, was this before or after you ignored the phone call from your wife?
- Phil Dunphy: You saw that too?
- Cameron Tucker: It's more afraid of you then you are of it.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Pigeons aren't afraid of anything. They stand on electrical wires.
- Jay Pritchett: Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barbershop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, I would end up with. Perfect wife, perfect kids... Well guess what? I didn't get any of that. I wound up with this sorry bunch. And I'm thankful for that every day. Well, most days.
- Jay Pritchett: The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed - it was like a crotch tourniquet.
- Phil Dunphy: Usually, I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me that I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium, that's when I get a little...
- [points at jacket]
- Phil Dunphy: ... nuts. It's a free country, right? Let's just say it...
- [points]
- Phil Dunphy: ... Ruffles me when some...
- [points]
- Phil Dunphy: ... Goobers tell me I have to spend half my...
- [points]
- Phil Dunphy: ... Pay Day on their...
- [taps leg]
- Phil Dunphy: ... hot dogs.
- Cameron Tucker: [answers phone] Hello?
- Mitchell Pritchett: There's a pigeon in the house! What do I do? What do I do?
- Cameron Tucker: Who is this?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Never funny, not funny now.
- Cameron Tucker: Calm down. You know I grew up around many animals. One time, a rooster attacked me and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Great time for an anecdote. Help me!