- Jesus Jarrera: [on television] Flash! Flash! We have just learned that one of Fernwood's Finest is attempting to ender the rear of the abandoned Chinese laundry. Now, he is reported to be armed and dangerous, as is the killer. So, in case of any bloodshed or death, Clete and I will be right here on target! But out of range, of course.
- Heather Hartman: Death or bloodshed?
- Martha Shumway: They're just saying it. They don't mean a word of it!
- Heather Hartman: But if they're going in with a gun, and Davey's got a gun...
- Raymond Larkin: It'll be a real old-fashioned shootout!
- Martha Shumway: Grandpa!
- Heather Hartman: But what if they hurt my mother? What if they hurt my mother?
- Martha Shumway: Now Heather, you know very well they're trying to cut down the violence on television!
- Mary Hartman: [tied back-to-back with Sgt. Foley] Do you really feel we can communicate?
- Sergeant Dennis Foley: Absolutely. And if we can do it tied back-to-back in a Chinese laundry, think what we could do face-to-face over a Chinese dinner? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
- Mary Hartman: No, I wouldn't do that.
- Sergeant Dennis Foley: "Thou art more lovely and more temperate / Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May... "
- Mary Hartman: Mae? You know about Tom and Mae?
- Mae Olinski: Why are you wearing those handcuffs?
- Tom Hartman: Well, I went in to try to save Mary, you know? And the cops jumped me when I came out, and they put these cuffs on me and the key broke off. And I've tried everything! I've tried an acetylene torch, and those bolt cutters. They've tried everything and I can't can't get them off!
- Mae Olinski: Oh, do you want me to take them off?
- Tom Hartman: How are you gonna do that?
- Mae Olinski: With a hairpin.
- Davey: [communicating by walkie-talkie] Where's the Reverend Standfast?
- Lt. Trask: Uh, well, we're having a little difficulty with the Reverend, Davey.
- Davey: [slipping into a Jimmy Cagney impression] Look, what are you up to, copper? You gonna make me have to kill these two people or you gonna get him in here?
- Lt. Trask: Now Davey, take it easy. Uh, look, just in case we can't contact the Reverend Standfast, would you settle for someone else? We have a professor standing by from the Dale Carnegie Institute of Self-Help.
- Davey: Get me the Reverend, and get him quick!
- [last lines]
- Florence Baedecker: Goodnight, Mrs. Standfast.
- Mrs. Standfast: Goodnight. Oh, and Florence? The next time you and the Reverend have choir practice, remind him to turn in the motel key before you leave.