- Alex Dunphy: What's Jägermeister?
- Phil Dunphy: Um, well, you know how in a fairy tale, there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guy starts kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that the accident was Gloria's fault?
- Jay Pritchett: Yes. I mean, I wasn't there, but she's a horrible driver. If she hit ten cars, I wouldn't be surprised.
- Mitchell Pritchett: If you knew that it was her fault, why did you get me involved?
- Jay Pritchett: Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me.
- Mitchell Pritchett: That's great. Here I am thinking that my dad actually respects me as a lawyer, and really you're just throwing me to the wolves.
- Jay Pritchett: Can't it be both?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay. Dad, it... it doesn't bother you in the least that your gay son is the only one tough enough to stand up to your wife?
- Jay Pritchett: Go get 'em, Rocky. See you later.
- Cameron Tucker: [calling out before Jay hangs up] Your father and I had a moon landing in the locker room.
- Jay Pritchett: [hanging up the phone] What's the matter with you?