The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (TV Series)

Ethan... Esther... Chaim (2022)

Tony Shalhoub: Abe Weissman

Quotes 

• Noah : [Abe is showing them a communion wafer he received at a Catholic mass]  It's bigger than I thought.

  Abe Weissman : And before I spat it out, I was really enjoying the taste.

  Noah : And you want to give it back to them?

  Abe Weissman : But how, is the question.

  Astrid Weissman : Maybe you should stop by a mass, get in the communion line, and when it's your turn, just toss it back in.

  Abe Weissman : They wouldn't be suspicious of a Jew tiddlywinking a communion wafer back in the cup? They'd throw holy water on me.

  Noah : Then what, flush it?

  Abe Weissman : [Sarcastically]  You're gonna flush the body of Christ down the toilet.

  Astrid Weissman : The poor man's been through enough...

• Gitta : Good morning, sir. Are you enjoying your day?

  Abe Weissman : Very much. Thank you.

  Gitta : And there's more days you'd like to enjoy?

  Abe Weissman : I beg your pardon?

  Gitta : I insist on feeding my family. So when my livelihood is threatened, I threaten back.

  Abe Weissman : That's understandable.

  Gitta : There's a line in the Torah: "fuck with me and you die." Have a think on this.

  Abe Weissman : I will. But for now I'm going to move to another part of the store. Nice talking to you.

• Molly : Hello to you, sir.

  Abe Weissman : Hello.

  Molly : Oh, do you have a moment? I'd like to discuss matchmaking.

  Abe Weissman : Oh, sure. It's got quite the lively history. The first matches date back to 14th century China. They dipped pine sticks in sulfur...

  Molly : I meant the kind your bony wife is engaged in.

  Abe Weissman : My...

  Molly : You're Abe Weissman, aren't you? Husband of Rose, father to Miriam, grandfather to Ethan, Esther and Chaim.

  Abe Weissman : Oh, you know, I have nothing to do with what my wife does.

  Molly : But you have influence. You're the man, aren't you?

  Abe Weissman : I suppose.

  Gitta : [stepping in]  Unless we take your manhood from you.

  Abe Weissman : Who are you?

  Molly : Doesn't matter. Just tell your wife to stop.

  Gitta : Stop.

  Molly : Stop now.

  Abe Weissman : Stop? Sure. Uh, could you just answer one little question for me?

  Molly : Yes.

  Abe Weissman : Are there any more of you outside?

  Molly : Just us.

  [He hightails it out the door] 

• Abe Weissman : I ducked into a Catholic church thinking sanctuary, at least from the Irish one. I thought it would be empty but they were in the middle of mass. The only sound in the room was this windy pipe organ. There was a long line of people headed up the aisle, so I joined it. I had no idea what it was for. I just moved along with it. Blend in. That was the strategy. When I got to the front, everyone was kneeling, so I knelt too. That's when I saw him. He was holding this silver cup. And in order not to look suspicious...

  Rose Weissman : Abe, you didn't.

  Abe Weissman : I took communion.

  Rose Weissman : Oh my God.

  Abe Weissman : I think the priest was suspicious. Especially when he said 'The body of Christ' and I answered 'Mazel Tov'.