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Learn more- It all comes down to this. America has waited weeks and Jillian has waited somewhere in the vicinity of 30 years. Finally, our beloved bachelorette will pick the man of her manufactured dreams. Let's get started, shall we? We open with a recap of previous episodes, including Reid's departure and Ed's vaguely described failure in the bedroom. Kiptyn, meanwhile, remains the near perfect man. "It's the most emotional season finale in 'Bachelorette' history," host Chris promises. We'll see about that.
Jillian reveals that she is "proud of myself" for falling love with two great guys. We're proud of you too, Jill. First up is a date with Ed, who wants to "reassure" the love of his life that their last night in the fantasy suite was the result of nerves -- and not a lack of feeling. Jillian urges Ed to "be you" when he meets her parents. Speaking of, Jillian greets mom Peggy and dad Glen, sending our special single lady into a full-fledged squealing fit. Ed tells the family that it was a "huge deal" coming on the show because he was "married to my job." He goes on to explain the whole left-the-show-and-came-back thing, which seems to concern 'ol Glen, who frowns through the captivating story.
Now it's time for the Pegster to grill Ed, rapidly reading questions from a computer print out. Ed does his best to handle queries like "Do you want a family?" and "Where do you see the relationship in 50 years?" Hey, Peggy, how bout we just get through the next two hours first? Sheesh. Jillian then has a one-on-one with her mom, who notices "a glow" about her daughter. "That says a lot," Peg comments. Meanwhile, Ed is selling himself to gruff Glen, who says he "likes what I see" about Ed. This comment sends Ed into an odd, halting giggling fit. The family then dons coconut bras and grass skirts to dance the Hula. And, yes, it's EXACTLY as embarrassing as it sounds.
The next morning, Jillian meets Kiptyn. "This is going to be such a great date," Jillian says. "I can't wait to hug him, I can't wait to kiss him." They make out. The bachelorette comments on the obvious "physical attraction" between the two. They make out again. Then it's time for Kiptyn to meet the family. Oddly, Jillian has another squealing fit, as if she hasn't seen her family in the last 24 hours. J and K (Jiptyn?) recount their brief life together as the fam sits around and smiles. Kiptyn tells Glen how he loves to spend time on the beach. "I work to live, but I don't live to work," he tells the rents. They appear to approve.
Mom takes Kiptyn aside and gets out her list. Kiptyn reveals that he feels communication is important to a relationship and that he hopes to be having coffee on the patio with Jillian in 40 years. "I think Kiptyn has a very similar energy to Jillian," mom tells the camera. She likes the guy. The convo with Glen goes just as smooth (these two are pushovers) and Kiptyn thanks the whole family for the kindness. Thankfully, not a single Canadian puts on a grass skirt and dances. Hidden away outside, J and K have a heavy make-out session. "I'm falling in love with two guys guys who make me feel differently, but make me feel good," Jillian tells the camera. "I'm ready to make some big decisions." We certainly hope so. We're down to 90 minutes and counting here.
With the guys gone, Jillian huddles with her family. Glen explains that Ed confessed to loving Jillian and even asked for permission to marry her. Ed, he thinks, was "deeper." Kiptyn, on the hand, said that he was STARTING to fall in love. The ladies theorize that Kiptyn loves Jillian, but might be more cautious. "I think Kiptyn, for what it's worth, is in for the long haul," Jillian's cousin Tori says. Tori and Jillian then get together for a little girl talk. Once again, Ed's failure in the fantasy suite comes up. Tori cringes. Sooo embarrassing.
Later, Ed, whose ears don't appear to be burning, shows up for the last date. They hop in a Jeep, make out and then go for a beautiful ride. "I think YOU'RE beautiful," Ed says. Awwww. Time for another life-altering helicopter ride. They fly over a volcano and make out. "I don't know if it was the volcano that was making it hot in the helicopter, but it was definitely heating up in there," Ed tells the camera. He proves it by making out with Jillian once they land. "You're beautiful -- a genius," he tells Jillian. "You're perfect for me ... I would never leave you again." They make out. Ed's affection seems a tad forced forced to us, but we're not the ones who might have to marry the guy. Ed then invites Jillian back to his room. She agrees, but worries that he might be "nervous" again. Turns out there was nothing to be nervous about. "That sexual chemistry was still there," Jillian narrates as the couple does some heavy duty making out. Naturally, the editors cut to an erupting volcano. Classy.
The next day, a squealing Jillian greets Kiptyn with a kiss. She is falling in love with the surfer dude, but worries about his level of commitment. Kiptyn manages to remove his shirt, showing off what appears to be an 18 pack. Jillian strips to her lil white bikini. They make out. "I just want to snuggle up with him," Jillian tells the camera. "If his feelings for me are as strong as my feelings for him, the sky's the limit." They go for a romantic float in the surf. Cut to Kiptyn's hotel room later that evening. A squealing Jillian enters and soon gets an earful from her maybe man. "Everything's been so natural ... to feel stressed out now is so weird," Kiptyn says. "I would be really hurt if I lost you." Kiptyn then continues on. And on. And on. They soon move to the bed, where the words stop and the making out begins. The editors, a bit more tastefully this time, cut to waves crashing on the beach.
Contemplation time. Jillian sits on the balcony of her hotel room and reads letters from Ed and Kiptyn. She stares out toward the ocean. The boys, meanwhile, look at rings. "It has my heart beating fast," Kiptyn says. He picks out an absolutely gigantic diamond ring. Ed is next, picking out another absolutely gigantic diamond ring. Either way, Jillian is going to have some major bling. Shirtless again, Kiptyn jogs along the beach and then wraps a towel around his waist. Ed, who keeps his shirt on, sits on a rock like the Thinker. It's almost time for the most emotional finale in Bachelorette history. Speaking of Chris, he welcomes Jillian to the final rose-ceremony location. "Deep breaths," our cool and calm host tells Jill. "I'm really looking forward to our new life together," she tells the camera. But who is "our?"
We're about to find out. A limo pulls up and Kiptyn exits. "Kiptyn, how ya doin man?" Chris asks. Kiptyn says he is OK. "Jillian makes me feel alive," he tells the camera. "I feel like the impossible's possible." Kiptyn approaches Jillian, anxious to ask for her hand in marriage. First, he rambles on and on (and on) about their history together. This time, Jillian DOES NOT stop him with a kiss. In fact, she proceeds to rip his heart out -- but gently, like a lady. "Emotionally, it's been moving slower and, I never thought I would say this, but in the meantime, I've fallen in love with someone else," she says. Jillian breaks down. Kiptyn says "it hurts" and tears up himself. He hugs her, and then walks away. We cut to the limo, where our ripped surfer dude continues to contemplate what could have gone so horribly wrong ... on national TV at that. He cries. We understand.
Just then, a minivan pulls up. Guess who steps out? Reid. "On the plane ride back from Philadelphia, it was, like, 'What the hell did I just do?'" he asks the camera. Actually, you just got kicked off the show, Mr. Runner Up to the Runner Up. But no matter. "There's no doubt in my mind that were perfect for each other ... I'm going to propose to her," he says. Reid approaches Jillian. "I'm back," he says. Yeah, dude, we know. Jillian immediately begins to cry. Reid confesses to being in such pain for not telling Jillian that he loved her. So he tells her that he loves her. "When I let you go, I let you go because you couldn't tell me how you felt," Jillian says. "You were so unsure." Reid explains that nothing became clear until after he was sent home. He kneels, but Jillian asks him to stand. She needs time to think -- and retreats to the bungalow to do so.
Chris joins Jillian to help her think it out. "What's your gut telling you?" the host asks. Jillian doesn't know. "How is somebody supposed to make a decision like this?" she asks. Says host and philosopher Chris: "Because you know." It's so, so true. So Jillian heads back out to Reid, who we just noticed is wearing freaking tennis shoes. "It was hard to let you go ... I guess I just, I dont know, I love the situation that I'm in ... I really, truly have fallen in love with somebody," Jillian says through tears. Meaning: somebody ELSE, Third-Place Reid. So Reid exits, just as single and in third place as he entered. And we'll never get that 15 minutes back again. Nor will Jillian or Reid or Chris. "Just go," Jillian says. Amen to that, sister. Two-time loser Reid heads home to Philly.
So FINALLY, with just eight minutes to spare, Eds limo pulls up. "Today has definitely been an emotional day," Jillian tells the camera. Ya think? Of course, Jillian is now sure about Ed. "We are best friends," she says. "Our relationship is complete. We're ready to take the plunge." This is a bit difficult to swallow after Jillian nearly let Reid take her away, but it's not our place to question true TV love. Ed approaches Jillian. "I've never felt this positive about being with someone ever," the bachelor says. Ed then tells Jillian that he had redefined him. "You make me smile when I look in your eyes," he says. He confesses his love. Jillian does the same. They make out. The music swells. Ed gets down on one knee and asks the woman he met on camera just weeks before to marry him. Jillian squeals. "Absolutely!" she screams. The music REALLY swells. "Do you have any idea how much fun we're gonna have?" Jillian asks. We can only imagine and, barring another reality show, it's all we'll be able to do.
There ya go, America. A happy ending.
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