- Puck: [after enduring a rival footplayer's constant "Yo Mamma" jokes] Hey! I had sex with your mom. No, really... I cleaned your pool, and then had sex with your mom on your bed - nice Star Wars sheets.
- Kurt Hummel: Dad. I have something that I want to say. I'm glad that you're proud of me. But I don't want to lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really shown me that I can be anything, and what I am, is, I'm gay.
- Burt Hummel: I know.
- Kurt Hummel: Really?
- Burt Hummel: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but, if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Ok?
- [They hug]
- Burt Hummel: Thanks for telling me Kurt.
- [He starts to go]
- Burt Hummel: You sure, right?
- Kurt Hummel: Yeah Dad, I'm sure.
- Burt Hummel: I'm just checking.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [Quinn tells him that she is pregnant] Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!
- Kurt Hummel: I'm gay.
- Burt Hummel: I know. I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a sensible pair of heels.
- Ken Tanaka: [after Kurt kicks a successful field goal] Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?
- Kurt Hummel: Mmm, sounds like fun. Can I have my music?
- Ken Tanaka: You kick like that you can wear a tutu for all I care.
- [Introducing him to the team]
- Ken Tanaka: Gentleman, we have found ourselves a kicker.
- Sue Sylvester: Oh, I just thought I'd stop and say hello, buddy... Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.
- Rachel Berry: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it. How's that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?
- Will Schuester: Because I didn't do it out of spite.
- Rachel Berry: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don't like me very much.
- Will Schuester: That's not true. I am your biggest - and sometimes, your only - fan.
- Rachel Berry: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there. I try the hardest, and I want it the most.
- Will Schuester: Everyone knows that. And they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win regionals like that. We need everyone to think that they're a star.
- Sue Sylvester: I'll often yell at homeless people "Hey, hows that homelessness working out for you?" Give *not* homeless a try!
- Ken Tanaka: Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langanthal, is zero for 12 in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically minded people know, THAT SUCKS! So Mr. Langanthal will thusly now be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.
- Will Schuester: This is a joke.
- Principal Figgins: William, Sandy's never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program?
- Will Schuester: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
- Sandy Ryerson: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.
- Will Schuester: [skeptical] Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?
- Finn Hudson: I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopedias, but... it says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he... he won dance competitions on "Soul Train". And he took ballet lessons. And he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.
- Will Schuester: Let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Uh... I don't think Ken will go for that.
- Finn Hudson: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. Then I'm sure some of them will want to join. It's a win-win for both of us.
- Noah Puckerman: Hey ankle grabber! I had sex with your mother. No seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.
- Kendra Giardi: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months! She doesn't need nice!
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?... Oh I get it, we have to think more like Amazonian black women.
- Mr. McClung: More mail for you, Sue. But I think there might be some... some hate mail mixed in from your editorial on littering.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella. Not everyone's going to have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: [to a member of the opposing football team] Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No seriously... I cleaned your pool and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.
- Kurt Hummel: I'm gay.
- Burt Hummel: I know.
- Kurt Hummel: Really?
- Burt Hummel: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.