- [voice-over thoughts as Rachel and Will start to sing "Endless Love"]
- Kurt Hummel: I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I love the days when I don't wear underwear. Full commando.
- Finn Hudson: I never noticed how nice Rachel's butt is. Oh, crap, I think Quinn knows I'm staring at it.
- Will Schuester: [turns to address club] Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?
- Brittany: It's a male duck.
- Will Schuester: [while singing Endless Love with Rachel] I don't like the way she's looking at me. Ah! I shouldn't have sung this song to her! Crap! She looks crazy right now.
- Kurt Hummel: I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.
- Finn Hudson: [after excusing himself to use the bathroom but actually making a phone call] I have to go, they'll think I'm pooping.
- Finn Hudson: Father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can't even go over Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.
- Kurt Hummel: Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.
- Finn Hudson: You think I should bring a gun?
- Rachel Berry: I'm such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment...
- Will Schuester: Hey. It's okay. I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change. But you should know that there's some boy out there somewhere who's going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.
- Suzy Pepper: Hey, Barbara Streisand, we need to have a little talk.
- Rachel Berry: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You're the school crazy.
- Suzy Pepper: I was crazy. Crazy in love.
- Rachel Berry: There's nothing you can say that's going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.
- Suzy Pepper: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: you and Schue? It won't work.
- Rachel Berry: What do you mean?
- Suzy Pepper: We're not so different, you and me. We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. Trust me. I'm a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.
- Emma Pillsbury: If we had to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
- Rachel Berry: Mr. Schuester, I'm ready when you are. The ballad that I've selected has an important message that I'm anxious for you to hear.
- Will Schuester: Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to stop you. The way you've been acting is totally inappropriate. I'm your teacher, Rachel, and I'm sorry, but that's all I'm ever gonna be.
- Rachel Berry: I know. I... brought these for you as an apology.
- [she holds out a pot of flowers with a card reading "Sorry I've been acting crazy"]
- Rachel Berry: And the song I was going to sing was "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word" by Elton John, 'cause I know how much you love it.
- Finn Hudson: Mom, Quinn's parents threw her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?
- Carole Hudson: Yeah, of course she can. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.
- Will Schuester: [trying to convey through song how inappropriate her feelings for him are] So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad?
- Rachel Berry: Yes. It means I'm very young and it's hard for you to stand close to me.
- Will Schuester: [exasperated sigh] Um, no. Um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?
- Emma Pillsbury: [just as taken and doe-eyed as Rachel] You're a very good performer.
- Mercedes Jones: Hey, you two. We need to go to the choir room.
- Finn Hudson: Why?
- Kurt Hummel: Because there's something we want to give you and Quinn.
- Will Schuester: Why did you even let her in the house?
- Terri Schuester: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.
- Will Schuester: What, so now you're making her clean our bathroom?
- Terri Schuester: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it?
- Rachel Berry: [entering] Do you have any more Ajax?
- Terri Schuester: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie.
- [Rachel gives Schue a flirtatious wave as she leaves]
- Will Schuester: This is immoral, Terri.
- Terri Schuester: No, honey, do you know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.
- Will Schuester: Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.
- Terri Schuester: What, so now I'm going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that's not gonna send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.
- Will Schuester: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.
- Terri Schuester: But why not, huh, if it's a win-win for everybody? Look, she's a really good cook. Try it.
- [he starts to leave]
- Terri Schuester: Where are you going?
- Will Schuester: I'm taking Rachel home.
- Terri Schuester: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?
- Carole Hudson: Finn, what's going on?
- [he awkwardly sits up]
- Carole Hudson: What are you doing?
- Finn Hudson: Uh, nothing.
- Carole Hudson: Were you just singing to a sonogram?
- Finn Hudson: Uh-huh.
- Carole Hudson: Is Quinn pregnant?
- Kurt Hummel: Sing to me everything you feel.
- Finn Hudson: Okay. Uh...
- [pause]
- Finn Hudson: I can't. I can't. I can't sing to a dude.
- Kurt Hummel: You have to try.
- Finn Hudson: I can't, okay? I can't! I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not.
- Kurt Hummel: Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.
- Will Schuester: It's happening again. It always starts with a novelty gift.
- Emma Pillsbury: I mean, you can't blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
- [as she realizes what she said, he turns and gives her a strange look]
- Emma Pillsbury: Uh... well, I... when did... when did this start with Rachel?
- Will Schuester: We sang a duet in Glee Club. "Endless Love."
- Emma Pillsbury: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.
- Will Schuester: [telling Emma of an old schoolgirl crush] It was the world's hottest pepper. She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.
- Emma Pillsbury: Oh, no. Oh, gosh, what happened?
- Will Schuester: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time. The pepper burned holes in her esophagus, and she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile.
- Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don't you take your own advice? Right? Do what you told the kid to do. If you're... if you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don't wear that tie.
- Rachel Berry: [voiceover, as she and Will sing "Endless Love"] Wow. I've never noticed this before, because he's always trying to destroy my career, but Mr. Schue has really pretty eyes. And really nice teeth. He's obviously invested in good oral hygiene, and that's important to me. It shows wonderful self-esteem.
- Kurt Hummel: So they just kicked her out?
- Finn Hudson: Yeah. Gave her half an hour to pack. Father set the timer on the microwave.
- Kurt Hummel: I'm sorry. I guess my plan kind of sucked.
- Kurt Hummel: [voiceover] Okay, I'll admit it. I'm madly in love with Finn. I have been since the first time we met.
- [flashback; as Kurt walks through the school hall, Puck checks him into a locker]
- Finn Hudson: Dude. Impulse control.
- Kurt Hummel: [v.o] He was my knight in shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee. Then football. Then skin care.
- [another flashback, with him and Finn in the locker room]
- Kurt Hummel: Your T zone is dangerously dry.
- [Finn tries to inconspicuously check his junk]
- Kurt Hummel: [indicating his face] Your... your T zone.
- Finn Hudson: Oh.
- Kurt Hummel: [handing him a bottle of lotion] Twice a day. It's very mild and has a built-in sunblock.
- Finn Hudson: Cool. Thanks, man.
- Will Schuester: I can't handle going through this again.
- Emma Pillsbury: Sorry, going through, um... going through what again?
- Will Schuester: Have I ever told you about... Suzy Pepper?
- [Emma shakes her head; cut to Schue teaching in flashback]
- Will Schuester: So the alpacas start there and, uh, travel down towards Guadalajara along...
- Will Schuester: [v.o] Suzy Pepper wasn't the first schoolgirl crush, but she was the hardest. It happened about two years ago, before you were a teacher here. Suzy was... unique.
- Suzy Pepper: [raising her hand in class] Mr. Schue, how do you conjugate the verb... "to love"?
- [cut to Suzy approaching his desk as the class leaves; she hands him a present, which is revealed to be a pair of socks with jalapenos on them]
- Suzy Pepper: Peppers. So you can wear them and think of me. Suzy Pepper.
- Will Schuester: [v.o] I thought it would burn out like the others, but it only got worse.
- [another flashback; Will and Terri are in bed when his phone rings in the middle of the night]
- Will Schuester: Hello?
- [no sound except for heavy breathing]
- Terri Schuester: Who is it? Who died?
- Will Schuester: [the breathing continues] Suzy Pepper?
- Suzy Pepper: You knew it was me just by the sound of my breath. That's so romantic.
- Terri Schuester: [taking the phone] Listen, you little psycho, this is Will's wife. And if I don't get enough sleep, my antidepressants don't work, and then I'll go crazy and I'll kill you.
- Will Schuester: Terri.
- Terri Schuester: Stop calling.
- [hanging up]
- Terri Schuester: Can't you handle anything, Will?
- Rachel Berry: [voiceover, as she and Will finish "Endless Love"] Okay, this is amazing. When I'm singing with him, it's like I'm seeing him for the first time. And what I'm seeing is super... super cute.