- Uncle Fester: I tell yah, Gomez, that palooka's got eyes in the back of his head! Or was that Cousin Fluid?
- Gomez Addams: No, he had ears on his ankles!
- Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Man did he have a hard time buying shoes...
- Uncle Fester: Hey, we could always hide in my coat.
- Gomez Addams: And suffer the same fate as Aunt Sticky when she climbed in?
- Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. I'm still having her electronically removed...
- Morticia Addams: Darling, remember what I wore on our honeymoon?
- [holds up a pair of stocks]
- Gomez Addams: Ah, Tish! You looked so good in mahogany...
- Morticia Addams: Wednesday, be a dear and fetch your uncle, please.
- Wednesday Addams: 'Tis my pleasure, Mother... Behold, a pile of ants!
- [Fester appears with a spoon and a bottle of ketchup]
- Pugsley Addams: Dad, Uncle Fester, what's the big deal about an old horn?
- Gomez Addams: Only the greatest game we ever played, son!
- Uncle Fester: Yeah, back when we were little fryers like you!
- Gomez Addams: First, we blow the horn as loud as we could...
- Uncle Fester: Hopefully passing out from hyperventilation...
- [laughs]
- Gomez Addams: ...then Lurch would have until midnight to find us!
- Morticia Addams: And he always did.
- Gomez Addams: Ah, that's right, Tish! In all those years, we never once could shake the big fella! Except that one time we tied him to the faultline...
- [Gomez and Fester hide in a wardrobe]
- Gomez Addams: We're off to a booming start, Fester!
- [Lurch moans]
- Uncle Fester: Darn!
- Gomez Addams: The night's still young, old man!
- [Gomez and Fester rush out]
- [Gomez and Fester masquerade as an American Gothic portrait]
- Lurch: [as a cow disguise] Moooooooooooo.
- Gomez Addams: Aha!
- Uncle Fester: Yikes!
- [Gomez and Fester rush out of the portrait]
- [Gomez and Fester hide in Cousin Itt's hair]
- Gomez Addams: Think we lost him, Fester?
- Lurch: [popping out from under Itt's hat] Uhhhh-uhhhh.
- Gomez Addams: Well, thanks anyway, Itt.
- [Itt jabbers]
- Gomez Addams: By the way, old man, you missing a motorcycle?
- Lurch: [producing a helmet] Yooouuur heeellmeeet...
- [in the middle of a desert]
- Gomez Addams: [panting] Fester... the vultures are starting to circle...
- Uncle Fester: Well, if you'd hold still for a second, one of them might land and start pecking.
- Lurch: Leeeemmmmooonnnaaade?
- Uncle Fester: Eh, hmmm. Shoot!
- [Fester brews up an invisibility serum]
- Uncle Fester: Lurch can't find us if he can't see us...
- Gomez Addams: To hiding!
- [Gomez and Fester drink the serum and become invisible]
- Gomez Addams: Ah. Now let's shed these clothes, and our invisibility will be complete!
- [Both start to undress, and hand their clothes over to Lurch]
- Gomez Addams: Thanks, Lurch...
- Uncle Fester: Oh, not again!
- Gomez Addams: He found us in quicksand, he found us on the moon, he even found us in Aunt Ben's sundress!
- Uncle Fester: [brings out a remote] Brother of mine, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we do have one last hope: my emergency hiding place! I didn't want to tell you about it, but we are two desperate hombres!
- Gomez Addams: Well, whatever it is, brother, do it.
- [Fester presses the remote, and a 1000-ton weight crushes the two]
- Lurch: Miisssteerrrrr Adddaaammms? Feesssteeerrr?
- [Lurch walks away. The clock strikes midnight, and Gomez and Fester pull themselves out under the weight]
- Gomez Addams: [in victorious agony] We did it, after all these years! The genius that is my brother! Not only have we finally outwitted Lurch, but we've gained the extra benefit of walking funny for weeks!
- Uncle Fester: Well, I try.
- Wednesday Addams: Friend Lurch, confess. You knew they were under that weight all the time, did you not?
- [Lurch moans with bashfulness]
- Pugsley Addams: Ah, you old softy!
- Gomez Addams: Well, Fester, I guess we'll never have to hide from Lurch again...
- Uncle Fester: Yeah. No more humiliation, no more dragging our names through the mud...
- Gomez Addams: What have we done?
- [Fester starts crying and embraces his brother]
- Pugsley Addams: Uh-oh! Somebody better do something...
- Wednesday Addams: Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?
- Lurch: Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.
- Uncle Fester: Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my face!
- Gomez Addams: You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?
- Lurch: Biiiinnnngoooo.
- Gomez Addams: [shakes Lurch's hand] Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.
- Uncle Fester: [hugs Lurch] Bless your artificial hearts!
- Morticia Addams: I'm off to the funeral parlour to preview next year's caskets. We do so need to replace the one in the bedroom.
- Gomez Addams: Aunt Stiffy will appreciate it! Have fun, cara mia!
- Morticia Addams: Au revoir, darling.
- Gomez Addams: [excited] Tish! You spoke French!
- [goes for Morticia's hand]
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, dear, you're supposed to be relaxing.
- Gomez Addams: Oh... ah... oh, that's right! Have fun, querida!
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, dear, are you feeling rested yet?
- Gomez Addams: [in a spiked bed] Not yet!
- Morticia Addams: Well, it certainly doesn't look very comfortable in there.
- Gomez Addams: It's not! Before long, my back will be a twisted mass of pain!
- Morticia Addams: Good!
- [Thing bangs a London drum]
- Gomez Addams: Hey, what's that racket? I like it!
- [Thing tosses Gomez a sword]
- Gomez Addams: Sorry, Thing, old limb. Today is not for playing, today is for relaxing and... Huh?
- [Thing chases Gomez]
- Gomez Addams: Well, Thing, if it's a fight you want, En garde!
- [draws a sword]
- Gomez Addams: Oh-oh! Wait, I spoke French!
- [kisses his hand]
- Gomez Addams: Nah...
- [Morticia arrives home to find Gomez and Thing exhausted from swordfighting, Gomez in a cramped position]
- Morticia Addams: Gomez darling? Thing? Oh dear, if Gomez sleeps like that he'll wake up all stiff and twisted. Won't he be relaxed! Thank you, Thing.
- Pugsley Addams: Mom, why don't we just trash my old head vice? I'm too big for it now!
- Wednesday Addams: Yes, and I've outgrown the comfort of Uncle Fester's pickled tonsils sloshing next to me at bedtime.
- Gomez Addams: Because, my little ghastlings, we Addamses never throw away old memories. We cherish them. In here, the attic!
- Gomez Addams: Great Guns in August! Family! Guess what I've found!
- Pugsley Addams: Uncle Fester's first head?
- Wednesday Addams: Does the third eye still blink?
- Pugsley Addams: Stuffed in a gunny sack, drug up a chimney, treated like dirt...
- Wednesday Addams: Wow, is this an early birthday present or what?