Deadpool (2016)

Stefan Kapicic: Colossus

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Quotes 

• Colossus : You will come talk with Professor Xavier.

  Deadpool : McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines can get so confusing.

• Negasonic Teenage Warhead : You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?

  Deadpool : Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.

  Colossus : [voice from inside the mansion]  Wade, is that you?

  Deadpool : Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

• Deadpool : [to Angel Dust]  You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.

  Colossus : I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...

  [Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying] 

  Deadpool : I mean, that's why I brought her?

  [points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone] 

  Deadpool : Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.

  [Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion] 

  Deadpool : Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.

• Colossus : [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax]  Wade! Four or five moments.

  Deadpool : I'm sorry?

  Colossus : Four or five moments - that's all it takes.

  Deadpool : To...?

  Colossus : Be a hero.

  Ajax : [groans] 

  Colossus : Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice - to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...

  [Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him] 

  Colossus : [vomits humourously]  Why?

  Deadpool : You were droning on.

• Deadpool : [as Angel Dust walk towards them]  Finish fucking her the fuck up.

  Colossus : Language, please.

  Deadpool : Suck a cock.

• Colossus : You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.

  Deadpool : Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now!

• Colossus : I've given Deadpool every chance to join us but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming an X-Man?

  Negasonic Teenage Warhead : Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?

  Colossus : Please. House blowing up builds character.

• Colossus : Do you have off switch?

  Deadpool : Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

• Colossus : We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.

  Deadpool : You big chrome cock-gobbler!

  Colossus : That's not nice.

  Deadpool : You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

  [a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign] 

  Deadpool : That guy was already up there when I got here.

• Negasonic Teenage Warhead : [pointing behind Deadpool]  Hey, Douche-Pool!

  Deadpool : [turns around]  And I hope *you're* watching -

  [gasps in horror, as Ajax has disappeared] 

  Colossus : Quite unfortunate...

  Deadpool : [shaking his head in disbelief]  THAT DOES IT!

  [punches Colossus in the face, breaking his own hand] 

  Deadpool : Ooh! Oh, Canada! That's not good...

• Deadpool : And you, chicken noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry

  Negasonic Teenage Warhead : That's all right. You're cool.

  Deadpool : [Gasps]  What in the ass? That was not mean. I'm proud of you!

  Colossus : We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade

  Deadpool : For a second there, it felt like we were three minutes-lion robots coming together to form one super robot.

  Negasonic Teenage Warhead : There's a stupid.

• Colossus : [to Negasonic]  You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.

• Deadpool : Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!

  Colossus : You know I can hear you?

  Deadpool : Wasn't talking to you! I was talking to them!

  [points at the audience] 

• Dopinder : Who brought this twinkly man?

  Deadpool : Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.

  Colossus : Is not boy-band!

  Deadpool : Sure it's not.

• Colossus : [during a fight, Angel Dust's boob popped out of her top]  Your... on the left. You are beautiful woman.

  Angel Dust : [correcting the wardrobe malfunction]  That is so sweet.