The Addams Family (TV Series)

The Day Gomez Failed (1992)

Nancy Linari: Morticia Addams

Quotes 

• Morticia Addams : Remember, darling, you don't know anything about failing.

  Gomez Addams : You're right, Tish! What I need is a role model: a loser, a dud, a washout, a flop! A worthless wretch of a human being!

  Uncle Fester : Oh, Gomez, you're making me all misty-eyed! That man is me!

  Gomez Addams : Would you...?

  Uncle Fester : Oh, it would be an honor, brother o' mine!

• Morticia Addams : I've finished welding your helmet, and notified the press about your stunt.

  Gomez Addams : But this helmet is about two sizes too small for me. It'll squeeze my head like a vise!

  Morticia Addams : Just the way you like it!

  Gomez Addams : Picture this, Tish: I'll be shot from a cannon, soar across the city and ricochet wildly off the buildings in downtown Happydale Heights, before flying home and landing in a cup of tea in the foyer. Thanks, Thing...

  [takes the teacup from Thing] 

  Morticia Addams : But darling, that's the same thing you do every Thursday.

  Gomez Addams : [suiting up]  Ah, yes! This time, I'll be knitting a sweater!

  [gets in the cannon] 

  Gomez Addams : And everybody knows I can't knit.

  Morticia Addams : A brilliant idea, bubbele.

  Gomez Addams : [excited]  Tish! That's French!

  Morticia Addams : No, darling, it's not.

  Gomez Addams : Well, it's close enough for me!

• Wednesday Addams : Mother, Father, there be many bulldozers out front!

  Morticia Addams : Oh how nice, visitors!

  Pugsley Addams : Uh-uh, they're not visitors, Mom! They're from the city!

  Wednesday Addams : Father, the foreman says the land you sold was our house. They're going to demolish it!

• Morticia Addams : Darling, this must be really bothering you. The last time you shook Uncle Fester like that you were trying to get the termites out of his sinuses.

  Gomez Addams : Tish, I just feel like there's nothing left for me to do! I've done everything! I need a challenge!

  Morticia Addams : Well, dear, I understand Uncle Fester needs his back shaved...

  Uncle Fester : [appearing with a broken barbershop pole and a lawnmower]  Oh, come on, Gomez, I'm getting kinda itchy!

  Gomez Addams : I'm sorry, old boy, it'll have to wait. I need a new challenge!

  Uncle Fester : Oh, darn... hey, Lurch! You got a sec?

• Morticia Addams : Of all the challenges you've tried, darling, how many have you succeeded in?

  Gomez Addams : All of them!

  Morticia Addams : Hmmm... maybe that's your answer...

  Gomez Addams : What? What?

  Morticia Addams : The one thing you've never done is fail!

  Gomez Addams : Eureka! Cara mia, you're a genius! Failure, that's my new challenge! Next time you look at me, Tish, you'll be looking at a failure!

• [Gomez crash-lands home] 

  Morticia Addams : Are you all right, darling?

  Gomez Addams : [depressed]  Want a sweater?

  [holds it out] 

  Uncle Fester : I'll take it! I think I've got some of that chocolate left!

• Uncle Fester : I just don't get it, Gomez. I mean, how could one man make this much money in just six hours?

  Morticia Addams : Oh, darling. Maybe you're cursed!

  Gomez Addams : Oh, Tish, don't try to cheer me up! It's hopeless!, I'm nothing more than a pathetic success of an Addams!

• Mr. Normanmeyer : Addams, I understand that you've been trying to fail...

  Gomez Addams : Tish! It's all over town! What will the children do when the other kids tease them about their father who just can't fail?

  Morticia Addams : There, there, dear, I'm sure they won't love their father any less. Will you, Pugsley?

  Pugsley Addams : [brandishing a spiked flail]  'Course not, Mom! Oh, Wednesday... Olly olly oxen free! Come on, girl! Big brother's got a present for you...

  Mr. Normanmeyer : Well, as a concerned underwear-coveting member of the community, I'm here to help. It's the prudent thing to do. And I've got your ticket to failure, Addams!

  Gomez Addams : [overjoyed]  What a neighbor! Normanmeyer, old man, what is it? What is it?

  Mr. Normanmeyer : [bringing out a map]  The city needs a small piece of land to finish building Happydale Hight's new freeway.

  Gomez Addams : Please, say that it's one of my pieces of land!

  Mr. Normanmeyer : Bingo! And you can sell it to us really cheap!

  Gomez Addams : At a major loss?

  Mr. Normanmeyer : Generally speaking. You'll be the laughingstock of the neighborhood!

  Gomez Addams : Did you hear that, Tish? I'll be a laughingstock! Scorned by the very community in which I live!

  Morticia Addams : Mother and Father Addams would be so proud of you!

  Gomez Addams : Hurry, Normanmeyer, let's make this official!

• Morticia Addams : Why, what's wrong, darling?

  Gomez Addams : [sobbing]  I'm the luckiest man on earth... I've got a family that supported me even before I became a failure!

  [Thing gives Gomez a handkerchief] 

  Morticia Addams : There, there, dear. That's what families are for.

• Morticia Addams : You know, dear, I've been thinking... maybe you have failed.

  Gomez Addams : Querida... Stop trying to cheer me up!

  Morticia Addams : No, dear. Think about it, didn't you fail at failing?

  Gomez Addams : Yes, but that's not... Eureka! You're right, Tish! I've failed at failing! Yes!

  [runs around the house in euphoria] 

  Gomez Addams : Fester, do you realize what that makes me?

  Uncle Fester : [who was trying to chop a rodent]  Ah, a gardener?

  Gomez Addams : No, dear brother! A bona fide, dyed-in-the-wool Addams failure!