- Young Morticia Addams: I don't know what to say, Gomez. Seeing you in handcuffs, accused of murder... I've never loved you more.
- Deputy Ritchie Santiago: [after the coroner shoots himself] Guess you never know what's going through someone's mind.
- Sheriff Donovan Galpin: A bullet, apparently.
- Pugsley Addams: I mean, for me, it's been hard not having Wednesday around. I never thought i'd miss being waterboarded so much.
- Wednesday Addams: Since you've abandoned me here, I've been hunted, haunted... and the target of an attempted murder.
- Gomez Addams: Ah, Nevermore. I love you so.
- Morticia Addams: You always filled a room with your presence. Like a stately sequoia tree.
- Principal Larissa Weems: And I guess that would make you the lumberjack.
- Gomez Addams: To be honest, I've always been a big fan of head-shrinking.
- Morticia Addams: It's not that kind of head-shrinking, mon chéri.
- Pugsley Addams: [after Gomez goes to jail] I always thought I'd be the first one in the family behind bars.
- Wednesday Addams: Lurch and I had a bet going.
- Wednesday Addams: I knew you didn't have what it takes to be a murderer.
- Gomez Addams: As much as that stings, gracias, my little death trap.