- Lt. Randall Disher: [after stating a far-fetched theory involving science-fiction] Well, if this were a movie you'd believe me!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If this were a movie I could walk out, Randy.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I come here every year on my birthday. Kind of like a family tradition.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [smiles] When you were a kid.
- [looks at Randy who silently looks back]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You meant when you were a kid.
- [Randy still looks without a word]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Say yes, Randy.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [reluctantly] Yes.
- Curator Miles Franklin: [asking if the dead victim can stay on display in the museum] You understand this is like a godsend to us. We pray for things like this.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Sir, that is a human being. He had a name, he had a family.
- Curator Miles Franklin: We *pray* for things like this. This will be bigger than those twins on the motorcycle.
- [last lines]
- Natalie Teeger: A pirate?
- Adrian Monk: Yes. It's more fun to be a pirate.
- Natalie Teeger: That's good advice.
- [leading Monk to the car]
- Natalie Teeger: Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.
- Adrian Monk: What are we having?
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, chicken pot pie with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.
- Adrian Monk: Ok, you don't have to be like that.
- Natalie Teeger: Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!
- Adrian Monk: Ok, how's that funny?
- Natalie Teeger: It's funny!
- Adrian Monk: What's the catch?
- Dr. Neven Bell: With what?
- Adrian Monk: With Marge. What do you suppose she's after? Every time someone wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle.
- Dr. Neven Bell: No. No. Not necessarily
- Adrian Monk: How could somebody - How could anybody... love *me* unconditionally. I mean come on, you've met me.
- Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.
- Adrian Monk: Then how do you explain this? There's *always* a catch.