- Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
- Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?
- Max Weinstein: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works.
- Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?
- Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
- Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
- Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.
- Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
- Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
- Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!
- Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
- Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not!
- Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house!
- Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house!
- Lois Griffin: [during foreplay, Lois has discovered a lump on her breast] Peter, we're not having sex. I just told you I have a lump.
- Peter Griffin: I have a lump, too, and mine's easier to get rid of.
- Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?
- [seeing Peter up in the house with a sniper rifle]
- Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
- Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.
- [Peter fires another shot, which misses]
- Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
- Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.
- [another fired shot whizzes past, and Mort ducks again]
- Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
- Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!
- Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
- Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
- Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
- Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
- Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
- Peter Griffin: Well Played.
- Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
- Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
- [They Hug]
- Peter Griffin: From now on, our lives will be better. We'll be wealthy, our sons will become doctors and we'll be in charge of charities so we don't have to contribute to them..
- Lois Griffin: To tell you the truth, I thought we were fine before.
- Peter Griffin: But then, Jesus, which religion should our family be?
- Jesus: Six-of-one ... they're all complete horseshit.
- Brian Griffin: Thank you... .
- Stewie Griffin: There's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny.