Family Guy (TV Series)

Three Kings (2009)

Richard Dreyfuss: Richard Dreyfuss, Narrator

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the boys just found the body and while observing, Ace appears] 

  Ace : Out of my way you little pip-squeaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.

  Richard Dreyfuss : [Narration]  It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang, Beast Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason, Norm from Cheers.

  Norm Peterson : Hey gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

  Ace : Now get lost. We'll take it from here.

  [Ace walks over to Quag Chambers and holds up a knife to his neck. Petey Lachance retaliates by firing a warning shot, then points gun at Ace] 

  Petey Lachance : Kiss my grits, you cheap dime-store hood.

  Ace : This ain't over, Lachance. I mean, you have a gun right now but tomorrow I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.

  Petey Lachance : Oh, yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town, and I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.

• Richard Dreyfuss : [narrating as Petey and his friends begin their journey to find a dead body]  Anything was possible as we set out that day. Excepting contracting AIDS, because AIDS had not yet been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.

• Richard Dreyfuss : We decided to cut through old man Pressman's junkyard, even though legend had it that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog, who would charge to the cry of "Chopper, sic balls."

  Cleveland Brown : I got a bad feeling about this.

  Old Man Pressman : Hey! What are you kids doing?

  Chris Quagmire : Oh, no, it's him!

  Old Man Pressman : That's right. I'm old man Pressman. I own the junkyard. I'm cranky 'cause all my stuff is junk. Why can't I have nice things? Chopper, sic 'em! Sic 'em, boy!

  [as Chopper, Brian chases after the boys, barking] 

  Richard Dreyfuss : Now, he said "sic' em, boy," but what I heard was "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans who aren't as bitter as they should be."

• Peter Griffin : The year was 1955. And the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.

  Richard Dreyfuss : [narrating]  I never had friends like the ones I had when I was 12. There was me, Petey Lachance...

  Petey Lachance : Anyone else fed up with this oversaturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.

  Richard Dreyfuss : Then there was Joey Duchamps. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.

  Roy Scheider : How are you, Richard?

  Richard Dreyfuss : Fine, Roy. How are you?

  Roy Scheider : Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up, maybe reminisce about "Jaws".

  Richard Dreyfuss : Great, you should give me a call sometime. My number's 555...

  Roy Scheider : Wait, wait. What? 555?

  Richard Dreyfuss : Uh, yeah.

  Roy Scheider : You know what, Richard? If you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.

  Joey Duchamp : Oh, please, make the voices stop!

• Richard Dreyfuss : [narrating the end of the "Stand By Me" segment]  We never forgot that wonderful summer, and eventually, we all went our separate ways. Joey learned to live without the use of his legs, and even went on to create a wheelchair-type rugby game called "Don't feel sorry for us-ball". Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romjin. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from "Stand By Me" is now married to Rebecca Romjin. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the Internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at the Viper Room. He died on the curb outside. And now we're left with a hare-lipped reminder of what might have been.

  [a picture of River Phoenix's brother Joaquin is shown]