The Happytime Murders (2018)

Melissa McCarthy: Detective Connie Edwards

Photos 

Quotes 

• Connie Edwards : You better get checked 'cause that shit tasted like salt.

• Connie Edwards : I guess we know the purple carpet doesn't match the drapes.

• Bubbles : [Connie tries to kick down a door and recoils in pain]  God, are you alright?

  Connie Edwards : I ruptured my hymen.

• [on his friends, two siblings who inbred and had deformed children] 

  Detective Connie Edwards : This is why you don't go fishing in your own gene pool!

• Connie Edwards : Yeah! I unsewed your mother, and made a jacket out of her!

• Connie Edwards : Holy shit cakes!

• Bubbles : I've been searching public records on Sandra White, and guess what I found? Nothing. There is no Sandra White before two years ago. She didn't exist. Can I have one of those bananas?

  Connie Edwards : What? No, you can't. No! And what do you mean she didn't exist? Everybody exists. Social security numbers, tax records.

  Bubbles : Nada. But I tailed her to a rat trap of an apartment in Hollywood.

  Connie Edwards : What's she doing in a Hollywood apartment? She's got a big place up in the Palisades.

• Connie Edwards : [Phil shoots Sandra to save her life]  Shit, Phil! That took you long enough, but...

  [clapping] 

  Connie Edwards : Oh.

  [whooping] 

  Connie Edwards : Oo-hoo-hoo! You finally did it, Phily! Attaboy! That was a nice shot. Fuck.

  Phil Philips : You all right?

  Connie Edwards : Yeah, I'm fine. You did good.

  Phil Philips : Yeah. You, too, kid.

  Connie Edwards : God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Connie Edwards : I got to give her that.

  Phil Philips : Oh, Jesus Christ.

• Bubbles : Do you know what they'll do to a puppet ex-cop in prison? They will tear out all of his stuffing and fill him back up with rice pilaf. And then they'll fuck it.

  Connie Edwards : Okay, just...

  Bubbles : They fuck that rice pilaf until it's more like a mashed potato.

  Connie Edwards : Okay.

  Bubbles : It's a term they call "pilafing".

  Connie Edwards : All right, all right, all right. Move. You think you're the only one thinking about this stuff?

  Bubbles : I think about pilafing all the time.

  Connie Edwards : I'm not talking about pilafing.

• Connie Edwards : Look, if we want to get you off the hook for this, we gotta take down Sandra White.

  Phil Philips : All right. What are you thinking, partner?

  Connie Edwards : I am thinking about busting your ass out of here. Okay.

  Phil Philips : What are you gonna do?

  [she takes out her gun] 

  Phil Philips : Wait, what are you doing?

  Connie Edwards : [shooting him]  I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.

  Phil Philips : You *did* shoot me in the arm!

• Agent Campbell : Word on the street is that you did okay.

  Lt. Banning : Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.

  Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.

  Connie Edwards : Come on.

  Agent Campbell : No hard feelings?

  Phil Philips : Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.

  Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?

  Agent Campbell : What?

  Connie Edwards : [laughing with Phil]  I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...

  Phil Philips : And you said, "What?".

  Connie Edwards : 'Cause you're an asshole.

  Phil Philips : Yeah.

  Agent Campbell : What?

  Connie Edwards : [laughing again]  Every time.

  Phil Philips : Yeah.

  Connie Edwards : Always works on assholes.

• Phil Philips : You can't actually like me for these murders.

  Agent Campbell : We like you very much for these murders.

  Phil Philips : What's my motive?

  Agent Campbell : The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.

  [he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens] 

  Agent Campbell : Enjoy the show.

  Phil Philips : [seeing Sandra inside]  What the hell is she doing here?

  Connie Edwards : Who is that?

  Phil Philips : It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.

  Lt. Banning : Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.

  Phil Philips : Hey, I didn't murder anybody.

  Connie Edwards : I didn't know Jenny was even married.

  Phil Philips : Neither did I.

  Lt. Banning : [turning on the intercom]  Let's listen in.

  Sandra : Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Agent Campbell : And why would he do that?

  Sandra : We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.

  Phil Philips : I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.

• Connie Edwards : I know I didn't have your back before, but I had no juice to do it with, and now I do. The "Happytime" murders aren't about the money. 20 years ago, when you shot that man in front of his daughter, that little girl was Sandra White.

  Phil Philips : Holy shit.

  Connie Edwards : Yeah, holy shit.

  Phil Philips : So you have proof?

  Connie Edwards : Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.

  Phil Philips : Hmm.

  Connie Edwards : Bubbles and I may have accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Connie Edwards : But, boy, before that, I'll tell you what, lock her up.

  Phil Philips : Well, that would've been great, huh?

  Connie Edwards : Would have been epic.

  Phil Philips : Would have been nice.

  Connie Edwards : Yeah.

  Phil Philips : See you at my execution.

• Agent Campbell : Freeze, Philips!

  Phil Philips : You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.

  Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!

  Phil Philips : Okay, I'm dropping it.

  Connie Edwards : [seeing the stand-off]  Oh, shitcakes.

  Agent Campbell : Edwards! Drop the weapon!

  [she starts to lower it] 

  Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!

  Connie Edwards : I did!

  Agent Campbell : Now!

  Connie Edwards : What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.

  Agent Campbell : Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.

  Phil Philips : Jesus Christ.

  Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?

  Agent Campbell : What?

• Agent Campbell : You're done, Edwards. Consider yourself suspended. Give me your badge.

  Connie Edwards : Yeah? Great. Here. Fucking choke on it. Fuck all of you guys. Fuck you, Wreach. You know what?

  [taking his phone cable] 

  Connie Edwards : It's my fucking charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.

  Agent Campbell : Nice.

  Connie Edwards : You all fucking suck.

  Agent Campbell : Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.

  Connie Edwards : And you know what? Everybody knows Karen is not a real redhead.

  Carol : I'm a real redhead.

  Connie Edwards : No, you're not. You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs at the family picnic to fucking choke a horse.

  Agent Campbell : Jeez.

  Connie Edwards : Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool. And I wish I would've fucked you, Donny.

  Donny : It's not too late.

• Connie Edwards : [startled upon finding Bubbles in her apartment]  Oh, God damn it. How the hell did you get in here?

  Bubbles : It was actually very easy. I just picked the lock. It took me, like, under a minute.

  Connie Edwards : Oh, great. Apparently, anybody who wants to can just walk right into my apartment.

• Connie Edwards : We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned nutjob.

  Bubbles : Jeez, this must have taken years. This is one sick fuck.

  Connie Edwards : She's got 'em all.

  Bubbles : Detective Edwards, look.

  Connie Edwards : Boy, she's got a real sweet spot for our boy Phil, huh?

  Bubbles : Oh, poor Mr. P. Oh, my God.

  Connie Edwards : Wait a minute.

  Bubbles : What a psycho.

  Connie Edwards : [picking up a framed picture]  What the hell is she doing with a picture of Jasper Jackabee and his daughter?

  Bubbles : Purple hair on a puppet, that's very rare.

  Connie Edwards : [remembering Agent Campbell's questioning of Sandra, she connects the dots]  Oh, my God. I guess the carpet does match the drapes.

  Bubbles : I knew this skirt was see-through. I just don't like wearing underwear. I don't like the way it feels.

  Connie Edwards : I'm not talking about you. Sandra White is Jackabee's daughter.

  Bubbles : What a fucking psycho bitch.

  Connie Edwards : This room is like a signed confession from her. Also proves that Phil is innocent. We got her.

• Sandra : Stop right there!

  Phil Philips : Oh, what the fuck? Ewards! You all right?

  Connie Edwards : [with a gun to her head]  It's deja fucking vu, Phil.

  Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no. Oh, fuck me, it's a gun to the head. How'd she get the drop on you?

  Connie Edwards : 'Cause she's like a fuckin' spider monkey.

  Phil Philips : Damn! She got me that way, too.

• Lt. Banning : Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.

  Phil Philips : Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.

  Lt. Banning : Edwards, you're off suspension.

  Connie Edwards : Thanks, Lieu.

  Lt. Banning : And, Phil, I talked to the captain, and he put in a motion with the mayor's office to permanently repeal the Philips Code.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Lt. Banning : I know it's early, but... what the heck?

  [offering Phil his police shield] 

  Lt. Banning : I've had this sitting in my desk, waiting for this day.

  Phil Philips : Wow.

  Connie Edwards : How about that? Far be it from me to compliment you, but you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.

  Phil Philips : Oh, well, you're no bag of shit, either.

  Connie Edwards : Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you? You asshole.

  Lt. Banning : You are both equally not bags of shit. In fact, when you're working together, you're two peas in a little fucked-up pod.