- Mr. Floppy: You know, Jack, you had everything you ever wanted; money, power, the love and pride of your children, and you gave it all up for me. You ARE a loser, Jack!
- Jack Malloy: [smiles] At least I have a friend.
- Jack Malloy: [singing] I married young, because of Cupid.
- Mr. Floppy: [singing] And had three kids, but you were stupid.
- Jack Malloy: I could've been rich...
- [shrugs and smiles]
- Jack Malloy: instead, I'm a loser.
- Mr. Floppy: But at least we're happy, 'cause you're a boozer.
- Jack Malloy: Now, I'm alone.
- Mr. Floppy: Come rain or sunny.
- Jack Malloy: But who needs love?
- Jack Malloy, Mr. Floppy: I've got my bunny!
- Barbara Caufield: [got a big smooch] What do you think you're doing?
- Ryan Malloy: Proudly showing you my appreciation for last night. It was sweet of you to sneak out while I was sleeping, you little minx!
- Barbara Caufield: I wasn't with you last night.
- Ryan Malloy: Sure! Then why did I wake up wet *and* with my pajama bottoms on backwards?
- Barbara Caufield: Have you ever considered that you might have been dreaming?
- Ryan Malloy: Sure, like I really dreamt that you flew into my room and screamed "Ryan, hit me harder!" while floating around in the room, wearing nothing but high heels and a cape. The only one dreaming was you when you said "Marry me!"
- [gets looked at as if he's nuts]
- Tiffany Malloy: [enters] Hello, Barbara. It's time.
- Ryan Malloy: [to Caitlin] So what's going on here?
- Caitlin: College acceptance showdown. I've seen it happen in other schools. It's gonna be a real bloodbath.
- [Ryan awaits all somber, and Caitlin grins wickedly]
- Barbara Caufield: All right, we both know why we're really here Only one school matters.
- Tiffany Malloy: Harvard.
- [they both discard all their other mail]
- Barbara Caufield: [both open their Harvard missives] I'm in!
- Tiffany Malloy: [checks hers as well] I'm in! Well, since we're both going, we might as well be friends.
- Barbara Caufield: Oh...
- [they hug, but as she does so, checks up on Tiffany's acceptance]
- Barbara Caufield: Wait a second! We don't have to be friends! You didn't qualify for financial aid.
- Tiffany Malloy: [shocked] What? How can that be?
- [laments:]
- Tiffany Malloy: My father makes less than a mop-up boy at The Pussycat Theatre! Where's God when you need him?
- Ryan Malloy: Well, he wasn't in my room last night. 'Cause Barbara kept screaming "Oh, God, oh, God!" But nobody stopped me, did they?