The Office (TV Series)

Stress Relief (2009)

Rainn Wilson: Dwight Schrute

Photos 

Quotes 

• Michael Scott : Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.

  David Wallace : No, we are mad.

  Michael Scott : Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.

  Dwight Schrute : Thank you.

  David Wallace : No, we're not.

  Michael Scott : I am not a mind reader, David.

• Dwight Schrute : It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." And he's like, "No, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." It was only a matter of time.

• Dwight Schrute : [unfolds a letter from his jacket and reads from it]  I state my regret.

  Jim Halpert : You couldn't have memorized that?

  Dwight Schrute : I could not, because I do not feel it.

• Dwight Schrute : Attention, everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says "personnel day." Are we hiring?

  Jim Halpert : Yeah. You're being replaced.

• Pam Beesly : Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott.

  [laughter] 

  Pam Beesly : He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.

  Michael Scott : Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?

  Pam Beesly : Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever.

  [Dwight claps loudly] 

  Dwight Schrute : Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha.

  Pam Beesly : And one time, I walked in on him naked... and his thing is so small.

  Kevin Malone : How small is it?

  Pam Beesly : If it were an iPod it would be a Shuffle!

• [first lines] 

  Dwight Schrute : Last week I gave a fire safety talk.

  [clears throat] 

  Dwight Schrute : And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.

  [lights a cigarette] 

  Dwight Schrute : Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

  [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid] 

• [Dwight is angry at his co-workers roasting Michael at his self-proclaimed roast] 

  Dwight Schrute : How dare you all attack him like this?

  Michael Scott : Oh, stop it, Dwight.

  Dwight Schrute : Michael is your superior.

  Michael Scott : No no no no no no!

  Dwight Schrute : Okay? You should be bowing down to him!

  Michael Scott : Dwight, you're supposed to do it this way!

  Dwight Schrute : [to Michael]  Okay, no. They don't understand who they have...

  Michael Scott : That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.

  Dwight Schrute : You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.

  Michael Scott : Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.

  Dwight Schrute : Are you calling me an idiot?

  Michael Scott : Idiot.

  Dwight Schrute : Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

• [Michael sees everyone getting up to leave] 

  Michael Scott : Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm.

  Dwight Schrute : What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?

  Michael Scott : STAY

  [bleep] 

  Michael Scott : CALM!

• [Michael and Dwight are meeting with David, their immediate superior, regarding the disastrous fire drill that nearly killed Stanley] 

  David Wallace : How could you possibly think this is a good idea?

  David Wallace : A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.

  Michael Scott : Electricity.

  Dwight Schrute : Shampoo.

  David Wallace : You could've burned down the whole building.

  Dwight Schrute : I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.

  David Wallace : Did you shout "fire" causing a panic?

  Dwight Schrute : Yes, I shouted "fire"! I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what -- heeded...

  Michael Scott : Hed. Hedded.

  Dwight Schrute : When no one hedded...

  Michael Scott : Take hedded of.

  Dwight Schrute : N- no one would take hedded of my instructions.

  Michael Scott : Heed. Heed.

• Dwight Schrute : Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

  Creed Bratton : He has no wallet. I checked.