"The Office" Stress Relief (TV Episode 2009) Poster

(TV Series)

(2009)

Steve Carell: Michael Scott

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Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell in The Office (2005) Steve Carell and Angela Kinsey in The Office (2005) Steve Carell, Phyllis Smith, Oscar Nuñez, and Leslie David Baker in The Office (2005)

Quotes 

  • Michael Scott : And I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.

    Pam Beesly : What?

    Michael Scott : Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.

    [clears throat] 

    Michael Scott : Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.

    [Stanley starts to laugh] 

    Michael Scott : Oscar, you are...

    [starts giggling] 

    Michael Scott : Oscar, you're gay.

    Oscar Martinez : Wow.

    Michael Scott : Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

  • Michael Scott : Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!

  • Rose : So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?

    Michael Scott : No, Rose. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.

    Rose : No, that's not part of it.

    Michael Scott : Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?

    Kevin Malone : I would want to live with no legs.

    Michael Scott : How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

  • Michael Scott : Dwight. We are not mad, we are just disappointed.

    David Wallace : No, we are mad.

    Michael Scott : Yes, we are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.

    Dwight Schrute : Thank you.

    David Wallace : No, we're not.

    Michael Scott : I am not a mind reader, David.

  • Michael Scott : And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

  • Michael Scott : [writing something down]  I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

  • Michael Scott : My God, if you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that.

  • [after Michael believes Stanley's bio-feedback machine isn't working right because it beeps anytime he's near] 

    Michael Scott : Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay.

  • Pam Beesly : Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott.

    [laughter] 

    Pam Beesly : He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.

    Michael Scott : Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?

    Pam Beesly : Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever.

    [Dwight claps loudly] 

    Dwight Schrute : Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha.

    Pam Beesly : And one time, I walked in on him naked... and his thing is so small.

    Kevin Malone : How small is it?

    Pam Beesly : If it were an iPod it would be a Shuffle!

  • [Dwight is angry at his co-workers roasting Michael at his self-proclaimed roast] 

    Dwight Schrute : How dare you all attack him like this?

    Michael Scott : Oh, stop it, Dwight.

    Dwight Schrute : Michael is your superior.

    Michael Scott : No no no no no no!

    Dwight Schrute : Okay? You should be bowing down to him!

    Michael Scott : Dwight, you're supposed to do it this way!

    Dwight Schrute : [to Michael]  Okay, no. They don't understand who they have...

    Michael Scott : That is the way you're supposed to do it, idiot.

    Dwight Schrute : You're interrupting me. I'm trying to get your back.

    Michael Scott : Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot.

    Dwight Schrute : Are you calling me an idiot?

    Michael Scott : Idiot.

    Dwight Schrute : Don't you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don't have any friends, or any family, or any land.

  • [Michael sees everyone getting up to leave] 

    Michael Scott : Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm.

    Dwight Schrute : What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?

    Michael Scott : STAY

    [bleep] 

    Michael Scott : CALM!

  • [upon realizing he is the source of Stanley's stress] 

    Michael Scott : So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's.. great twist. Great twist.

  • Rose : Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute.

    Michael Scott : Okay, that's... that's hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?

    Jim Halpert : How's that gonna help you?

    Michael Scott : I will divide and then count to it.

    Jim Halpert : Right.

    [gives confused smile to camera] 

  • [Michael and Dwight are meeting with David, their immediate superior, regarding the disastrous fire drill that nearly killed Stanley] 

    David Wallace : How could you possibly think this is a good idea?

    David Wallace : A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.

    Michael Scott : Electricity.

    Dwight Schrute : Shampoo.

    David Wallace : You could've burned down the whole building.

    Dwight Schrute : I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.

    David Wallace : Did you shout "fire" causing a panic?

    Dwight Schrute : Yes, I shouted "fire"! I shouted many things! I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer when nobody would heed of what -- heeded...

    Michael Scott : Hed. Hedded.

    Dwight Schrute : When no one hedded...

    Michael Scott : Take hedded of.

    Dwight Schrute : N- no one would take hedded of my instructions.

    Michael Scott : Heed. Heed.

  • Michael Scott : Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.

  • Michael Scott : Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!

  • [Toby tries to come on stage during Michael's roast] 

    Michael Scott : NO! No, friends only. Friends ONLY.

    [Toby shrugs and sits back down] 

  • Michael Scott : Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss, man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss." It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

  • Michael Scott : We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops?

    Stanley Hudson : I would die.

    Michael Scott : And you're okay with that?

    Stanley Hudson : I'm okay with the logic of it.

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs


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