My Name Is Earl (TV Series)
Monkeys Take a Bath (2008)
Patricia Bethune: Diana
Quotes
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Earl Hickey : [Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.
Diana : Next!
Carl Hickey : [Smiling] Hello, Diane!
Diana : [Grinning Big] There's my Carl.
Carl Hickey : [Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.
Diana : [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh!
Carl Hickey : [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.
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Earl Hickey : Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.
Carl Hickey : [Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.
Earl Hickey : [Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.
Carl Hickey : [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.
Earl Hickey : Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening!
[Yelling after Carl in the parking lot]
Earl Hickey : [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?
Patty : Ha-Hey Earl!
Earl Hickey : When did you start working here?
Patty : Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush
[Then President Bush]
Patty : monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.
Carl Hickey : [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter]
[With a cocky jaunt of the head]
Carl Hickey : I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.
Diana : I thought you needed the largest kind we had.
[Snarky]
Carl Hickey : Just ring it up, pecker-tease...
Earl Hickey : [Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...
Patty : Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.
Carl Hickey : [Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you!
[Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]
Patty : Thank you!
[Patty immediately turns the candy box over]
Patty : Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this
[Patty circles her mouth with her index finger]
Patty : a peanut free zone.
[Hands nuts back to Carl]
Earl Hickey : Dad, Patty's a hooker.
Carl Hickey : [In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.
Patty : Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.
Carl Hickey : Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!
Patty : [as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...
Carl Hickey : I'm not changing my mind!
[Slamming car door]