- Travis Breaux: Yo, why do they call you Paranoid?
- Paranoid: [Interrupting] What? Why you wanna know, man?
- Brandon Ellis: Mr. Esquire... can I have a card?
- Psycho Ed: [Beat] Did he molest you, too?
- Brandon Ellis: In my mind!
- Chad: Where the fuck is the administrations office?
- Older Female Donor: Are you fucking with me?
- Chad: What?
- Older Female Donor: What?
- Computer Skills Teacher: I was just drawing a picture of my cat, Bryan. I named him after Bryan Adams. Alright, let's take a test. So very, sexy singer. I used to pretend that my glass dildo was in fact, Mr. Adams' erect, glass cased, member. Because the forest turned him to glass of course, so... Only the moistened walls of the village witch could return him to human form. Was that out loud, or did I just think that?
- Henry Burke: To be or not to be, Shakespeare's great question to his character Hamlet. His great challenge to his audience in sixteen hundred, and today, over four hundred years later... Hamlet huh? What a fucking pussy. I mean I didn't even read it, I just netflixed the DVD with that Mad Max douchebag in it, but, his uncle aced his father, popped an eighteen seven in that motherfucker and he's talking to ghosts and shit all like "Daddy, daddy, what am I going to do? What am I going to do?" I mean bitch, grow a pair of glackers and snap out of it. I mean, clearly this dude needs some help. Sad thing is, every time I think about Hamlet, I think about myself. I'm too, I'm too cautious. I'm too deliberate. I plan perfection, reaching for the unreachable, something that , quite honestly I don't think is there and I get caught up in the bullshit of trying to be perfect I forget about what's right in front of me. Like the, like the other aspects of my life. Like, my mom's gonna love me whether or not I go to MIT. And, you know, being valedictorian is not that big a deal, really. It may seem important now but in ten years that's just gonna be shit that made me miss the other moments, the stuff I wanted to do, but talked myself out of. Stuff my heart wants, but logic would trip over, like grabbing life by the balls and going after the girl I always thought was hot, just too hot for me. So what's the point? You want it so hard for it to be, and it's just not to be, there's nothing you can do about it. So anyway, Hamlet's a punk ass bitch and Shakespeare's massively overrated.
- Travis Breaux: Martin, how many brownies did you eat?
- Martin Gordon: ...14?
- Henry Burke: Jesus...
- Travis Breaux: H Christ!
- Psycho Ed: I'm surprised this hasn't happened sooner. I've fucked this community. Fucked it's mommies. I've fucked it's daddies. Fucked it's grannies. I've fucked it mammies. It's doctors. It's lawyers. It's bankers. It's grocers. I've fucked this community into the ground. And now it's fucked me!