- Drew Carey: The thing about Krusty is that he's always on. To know exactly what he's on, you have to test his pee.
- Homer Simpson: Ha-ha-ha! Pee!
- Drew Carey: Seriously, test his pee. He's a danger to the community.
- Homer Simpson: [to Bart] Son, stamp collecting is like life -- it stopped being fun a long time ago.
- Mr. Burns: I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside. Oh, there's another coin. That should do it.
- Krusty the Clown: A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late.
- Krusty the Clown: The new Krustketeer is... what was your kid's name again?
- Nelson's Mother: Nelson Muntz!
- Krusty the Clown: Wilbur Mudd!
- Nelson Muntz: That's me! Here's Mudd in your eye!
- [Hits kid in eye]
- Sideshow Mel: Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one...
- [commercial break]