"Alle Sehnsucht dieser Erde" is a German television film from 2009, so this one is over a decade old already. The title means "All longing of this Earth". I think it is really self-explanatory. This title could not be any more pseudo emotional and pseudo emotional and pretentious. Absolutely unbearable. Also it has zero connection with the film's contents, which may be good because the film's contents are complete nonense, but still. The writer and director is Wolf Gremm, who is probably still most known for his collaboration with Fassbinder from decades earlier. However, looking at what the late Gremm worked on in the 21st century is truly embarrassing. One terrible film after the next. It is a bit unusual for these ARD television films that the same person is in charge of the script and direction, but here it is the case. So there is also (excluding the cast) only one person to blame really. Or to blame most of all because obviously the score composer and others in smaller positions also truly messed up. And if the fact that this is a Regina Ziegler production and a Degeto production is not enough for you yet (both the worst production companies Germany has ever seen with so many horrible films they came up with), then the name of lead actress Christine Neubauer should do the trick. I mean there are never really talented actresses playing the protagonists (yes, the female form is accurate because the leads are almost alwways female as the target audience is as well), but none of them literally screw up every single scene with their pretentious overacting and literally complete absence of talent. Neubauer does. Effortlessly. The likes of Ferres, Furtwängler or Thomalls give Neubauer a run for her money, but eventually I would say that she is the worst German actress who ever existed, especially if we only look at lead actresses. She should not have had a career for one year looking at her complete lack of range and versatility and yet she has been in the film industry for decades. Shame on whoever still casts her. I think nowadays not so much anymore. Or at least not for lead roles. Her male co-lead here is Erol Sander. Not a good actor either, but next to Neubauer he looks like Pacino. Michael Mendl is the third and last familiarf face for me here. Nothing positive to say about him either. He has been in way too many of these trashy films for me to say something positive and besides, his character does not have a lot of screen time here. It is always about the other two, especially Neubauer. The story is set mostly in Thailand, so there are also many Thai actors in here. Well, a few. That would be more accurate. They were as weak as everything else, but for them I felt kinda bad especially because the dubbing was so terrible that you could easily say it is not them speaking,but other people.
So much for the basics and you see this film is really heading south quality-wise since minute one no matter which production value we are talking about. But the two things where it is unbearably bad is Naubauer's acting and the screenplay. The story is completely void of talent and realism whatsoever. They were really acting as if this was some romantic crime story of the highest order while nothing makes sense. If there is any more evidence needed that ARD and its smaller stations are literally burning everybody's GEZ money, then here it is. This film never should have been made. Or at least they should have realized it is so bad and never released it. But they did. And what's worse is that it is still shown on national television over a decade later. Like I said, folks, your GEZ money at work. Stand up. Anyway, now a few moments and scenes where the film was especially cringeworthy. Neubauer always has a tendency in her films to show hatred against men, which is supposed to define a strong confident female character, but it's nothing but offensive. It starts here right away as she enters the room with the two important guys and says she is ready for the job and they need a female for it because the original players has one big disadvantage: He is a man. That is exactly what she says. I kid you not. She seens like an assitant early on, but nope she is a super tough agent haha. Of course. We also hear her approach on several occasions when other people say that she has the guideline that she will never give up or stop until a mission is accomplished. Like a female Bond here. Okay what else? There is the moment when she is attacked by that Thai female fighter and says something like it's not good to talk with your mouth full. Cringe is real. She still makes comments like these in criticial situations. What a tough agent. Or not much later when she fights said female. First time, she is still inferior, but hey, our super tough agent all of a sudden is more skilled in martial arts a few minutes later. Then there are of course those moments when Erol Sander's character is apparently dead only to appear briefly afterwards showing us it was all fake. Neubauer's comment towards him when she meets him again and sees he lives is hilarious too. Just like her rambling about love and how she had never known a better male. Or of course when both are declared dead in the end, but of course it is just another trick and they are safely getting away and nobody follows them anymore. Ah yes, of course Sander's character is also completely innocent. And we get the usual I don't know who I can trust anymore" that is included so often in spy movies, but here there is literally zero foundation to it. Absolutely unbelievable. And don't even get me started on the double identity idea or on the face transplant plot. Or on the moment we see Sander the first time when he stands there looking out of the window, then turns round. All so pseudo important. The super happy ending is also complete nonsense how one guy gets another's job and how for example the female Asian fighter I mentioned earlier is at the funeral like a friend. Enough now. You get it hopefully. This film is an abomination from beginning to end. I mean I have seen many terrible films, many terrible Neubauer films, but this one here has to be a contender for absolute worse and if you know this woman's "acting", then you know as well what that means. If I have films a 1/10, then I would here. Without one seccond of hesitation. This film is perhaps the worst movie of 2009. And I do not mean "German movie", I mean worldwide. No exaggeration. Watch it and you will understand. Or, much better, do not watch it. Keep your safety distance. Fat thumbs-down.
So much for the basics and you see this film is really heading south quality-wise since minute one no matter which production value we are talking about. But the two things where it is unbearably bad is Naubauer's acting and the screenplay. The story is completely void of talent and realism whatsoever. They were really acting as if this was some romantic crime story of the highest order while nothing makes sense. If there is any more evidence needed that ARD and its smaller stations are literally burning everybody's GEZ money, then here it is. This film never should have been made. Or at least they should have realized it is so bad and never released it. But they did. And what's worse is that it is still shown on national television over a decade later. Like I said, folks, your GEZ money at work. Stand up. Anyway, now a few moments and scenes where the film was especially cringeworthy. Neubauer always has a tendency in her films to show hatred against men, which is supposed to define a strong confident female character, but it's nothing but offensive. It starts here right away as she enters the room with the two important guys and says she is ready for the job and they need a female for it because the original players has one big disadvantage: He is a man. That is exactly what she says. I kid you not. She seens like an assitant early on, but nope she is a super tough agent haha. Of course. We also hear her approach on several occasions when other people say that she has the guideline that she will never give up or stop until a mission is accomplished. Like a female Bond here. Okay what else? There is the moment when she is attacked by that Thai female fighter and says something like it's not good to talk with your mouth full. Cringe is real. She still makes comments like these in criticial situations. What a tough agent. Or not much later when she fights said female. First time, she is still inferior, but hey, our super tough agent all of a sudden is more skilled in martial arts a few minutes later. Then there are of course those moments when Erol Sander's character is apparently dead only to appear briefly afterwards showing us it was all fake. Neubauer's comment towards him when she meets him again and sees he lives is hilarious too. Just like her rambling about love and how she had never known a better male. Or of course when both are declared dead in the end, but of course it is just another trick and they are safely getting away and nobody follows them anymore. Ah yes, of course Sander's character is also completely innocent. And we get the usual I don't know who I can trust anymore" that is included so often in spy movies, but here there is literally zero foundation to it. Absolutely unbelievable. And don't even get me started on the double identity idea or on the face transplant plot. Or on the moment we see Sander the first time when he stands there looking out of the window, then turns round. All so pseudo important. The super happy ending is also complete nonsense how one guy gets another's job and how for example the female Asian fighter I mentioned earlier is at the funeral like a friend. Enough now. You get it hopefully. This film is an abomination from beginning to end. I mean I have seen many terrible films, many terrible Neubauer films, but this one here has to be a contender for absolute worse and if you know this woman's "acting", then you know as well what that means. If I have films a 1/10, then I would here. Without one seccond of hesitation. This film is perhaps the worst movie of 2009. And I do not mean "German movie", I mean worldwide. No exaggeration. Watch it and you will understand. Or, much better, do not watch it. Keep your safety distance. Fat thumbs-down.