- Dr. Gregory House: Dr. House, I don't think we've met.
- Dr. Jaime Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway, I've heard your name.
- Dr. Gregory House: Most people have, it's also a noun.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Don't know.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Don't have to know.
- Dr. Robert Chase: Don't... care?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wrong! Until this inspection is over, you're back on House-watch!
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fifty-one weeks out of the year, I let you run around like a monkey in a banana factory.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [walks into hospital morgue, sees House] What are you doing here?
- Dr. Gregory House: Just grabbing a snack.
- [bites sandwich]
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You keep food in the *morgue*?
- Dr. Gregory House: If I keep it in the lounge, everyone else eats it.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [shows House the label on container] That's 'cause it's everyone else's food!
- Dr. Gregory House: We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way God intended, he can't get engorged.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
- Dr. Gregory House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing.
- Dr. Gregory House: [turns to Thirteen] Thirteen show him yo...
- Dr. Gregory House: [exhales] Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Your porn's in the second drawer.
- Dr. Gregory House: As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.
- Evan Greer: Are you serious?
- Dr. Gregory House: No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'
- Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [after setting up an erection test] All set. Heart monitor, blood pressure monitor and... the one on his junk.
- Evan Greer: I just wanted to do something... that matters.
- Dr. Gregory House: Nothing matters. We're all just cockroaches. Wildebeasts dying on the river bank. Nothing we do has any lasting meaning.
- Evan Greer: And you think *I'm* miserable.
- Evan Greer: So you're afraid of change?
- Dr. Gregory House: No, you're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine that you can escape instead of actually try. Cause if you fail, then you got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real so you can hold onto hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies.
- Evan Greer: What the hell's going on here? What do you want?
- Dr. Gregory House: An autographed picture would be nice... Oh, and I'm also going to save your life.
- Dr. Gregory House: You want to be here.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I have to be here.
- Dr. Gregory House: Just say the word, I'll fire Thirteen.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Just sign the forms.
- Dr. Gregory House: Smart move, I was bluffing.
- Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson wants a water bed] No, it's the *whole* thing. You need special sheets, and insurance...
- Dr. Gregory House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You're a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.
- Dr. James Wilson: Most adults don't go through life like you do, House. Indulging our every whim.
- Dr. Gregory House: You don't deserve to be happy.
- Dr. James Wilson: And yet I am. You?
- Thirteen: Any particular reason you decided to sedate a patient for a procedure that's completely painless?
- Dr. Gregory House: Guy has a history of violent outbursts during surgical procedures.
- Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, on TV.