- Dina: [blows whistle] Let's go, sir. No lingering. Just pick a conditioner and keep moving.
- Amy: Nope, nope. You're fine, sir. Take all of the time you need.
- Dina: Ah, he's just putting on a show. We all know he's just using it to masturbate.
- Amy: Okay, Dina? Our customers are already on edge. They don't need us blowing whistles and yelling at them about masturbation.
- Dina: Hard disagree. You heard Sugarman. We are essential. Customers are like sheep looking for guidance. Without leaders, sheep start to eat each other. So, unless one of us leads, this place is gonna be littered in haggis from here to Sunday. All right, soft hands. Get goin'.
- Dina: So, whenever at all possible, you must remain 6 feet apart.
- Cheyenne: Well, is it 6 feet from, like, the center of our bodies or from, like, where our bodies end?
- Dina: Great question. Um... I'm gonna say start measuring from nips and tips.
- Mateo: Sorry, are the men measuring from the nips or the tips?
- Cheyenne: I think women nips, men tips.
- Dina: Yeah.
- Garrett: [over PA] Attention shoppers. We ask that you please not physically wrestle things from your fellow customers. There's a highly contractable virus out there that our country does not have a hold of. None of y'all are listening, huh? All right. Enjoy the apocalypse.
- Glenn: We're not heroes.
- Dina: Doing our jobs. Hey, you know, I was watching the news last night, waiting to record a blooper for my tape, and they did this segment on "Heroes in Your Neighborhood." And it made me think... we could be next.
- Glenn: Oh, wow. I mean, can you imagine? Someone banging a pot for us? Or a pan?
- Amy: And Zephra is adamant that we follow the CDC recommendation of washing your hands for a full 20 seconds.
- Cheyenne: 20 seconds? That's, like, literally forever.
- Amy: It's about the length of two "Happy Birthdays." So just sing that, and you'll be fine.
- Dina: Yeah, but whose name do we insert? I have a friend named Ty, and I have a friend named Alexandrina Geneviva. Those are two wildly different time frames.
- Amy: Just say... the name Emma.
- Mateo: Oh, God. Is this your way of making us sing "Happy Birthday" to Emma because all of her friends ditched her on her birthday this year?
- Amy: No, that didn't happen. Emma is very popular, and she's dating a very cute boy named Braydon. Very cute. I don't mean cute like I think he's hot, because I'm an adult and that would be weird. Whatever... just wash your hands! There's a virus.
- Cheyenne: Oh, sorry. We're limiting toilet paper to one pack per household.
- Toilet Paper Customer: My kids have separate households.
- Cheyenne: [scoffs] There's, like, no way that baby has its own household. This is so unfair!
- Sandra: I know, there's never any left for us to buy at the end of the shift.
- Cheyenne: Bo and I have had to start using newspaper. The ink's starting to turn our butts weird colors. Which is cool, but probably not healthy.
- Sandra: What if we... set a pack aside somewhere, out of sight, then at the end of the day, we split it?
- Cheyenne: Oh, man. We totally should. And it's not like we're stealing. We're still gonna pay for it
- Sandra: Of course.
- Cheyenne: You know what? Maybe we should also put aside some Dinosaur mac and cheese. Bo's really into science right now.
- Jonah: "The only thing I like more than beer... is twins." Maybe it is time for humanity to wrap it up.
- Beer Customer: Oh, the beer is for you guys. Just a small thank you for all you've been doing.
- Sandra: That's so nice! We should all drink together after work.
- Cheyenne: Totally. Do you think that guy can get us some Ketamine?
- Dina: Yeah, you know, I've got to admit, it's pretty nice back here. It's kinda getting a little scary in there. I guess even us heroes deserve a little break?
- Glenn: Yeah. Well, I mean, if you're scared, you could... stay and count pots with me.
- Dina: Sounds good.
- [sighs]
- Dina: To be clear, I didn't need a break. I was pretending because you're scared. Don't even think for a second I don't know how many pots are up there.