- Herbert: [Chris has just cussed at Herbert] Don't you mouth off to me or I gonna slap you right in your penis.
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?
- Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello?
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count Nyquil as a beverage? No, right?
- Brian Griffin: No.
- Stewie Griffin: Yea, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks Brian.
- Meg Griffin: No offense Mr. Herbert, but I'm a seventeen year old girl and I don't need you here.
- Herbert: Well no offense to you to Meg, but you're a seventeen year old girl and I don't need you here.
- Herbert: Do you all know what day it is?
- Chris Griffin: No.
- Herbert: It's bath day.
- Chris Griffin: I don't wanna take a bath.
- Herbert: [laughing at Chris] Not for you, silly. It's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself. Do you know anybody with a strong pair of young hands to help me in and out of the tub?
- Herbert: [Meg washes him as Herbert looks at the camera disappointingly] Aw, rats!
- Brian Griffin: [When Peter confronts him about going after Lois] You don't deserve her! All she does is give and give and give, and all you've done is take her for granted! You hardly even spent any time with her on this entire trip!
- Peter Griffin: Well who the hell are YOU to tell me how to run my marriage? You can't even hang on to a girlfriend for more than a couple of weeks!
- Brian Griffin: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, God, you're a trainwreck with that crap, Brian! I mean, you couldn't even get Jillian to take you back, and she's dumber than Lou Ferrigno!
- Brian Griffin: You know, Lois, I'm sure you've already figured this out, but... that essay I wrote? I wrote it about you.
- Lois Griffin: Aw... I had a hunch. Thank you, Brian. I'm glad you shared that with me.
- Brian Griffin: Well, you know, Lois, you mean a lot to me. I mean, things you say and things you do resonate with me in a big way. When you drive away to go to the market, I just don't know what to do with myself. And then when I hear that car coming up the driveway, I just go berserk. I mean, you know, half the time, when you go to the market, I just assume you're leaving forever, and when you get back, I realize I have no idea how long you've been gone, and I... Well, you know what, I'm-I'm rambling.
- Lois Griffin: I feel like one of the Kennedy's. You know, one of the over privileged drunk ones, not the socially responsible dead ones.
- Lois Griffin: Hey, you know what might be fun? Let's just order room service and watch a couple of bad movies.
- Brian Griffin: That does sound like fun. I'll go rent Vanilla Sky.
- Lois Griffin: I said a bad movie, not an abortion.
- Audrey Hepburn: Tee-hee! I lied. I was a princess the whole time.
- Gregory Peck: You bitch! I'm gonna punch you in the face!
- Brian Griffin: Oh my gawd, I attacked Lois. What was I thinking? I'm a rapist. I'm no better than Kobe Bryant, or Mike Tyson, or Reagan.