- [Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Kloster]
- Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
- [She approaches one of the teenaged contestants and begins talking to him]
- Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
- Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
- Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
- Natalie Teeger: Shut up.
- Patrick Kloster: This is a funeral home, Mr. Monk. My wife has just passed.
- [notices Monk's grin]
- Patrick Kloster: I find that grin on your face rather inappropriate.
- Adrian Monk: I know how you did it.
- Patrick Kloster: You still think I murdered my wife?
- Adrian Monk: You set a trap...
- Natalie Teeger: ...like the Poison Pawn.
- Patrick Kloster: Oh you've been chatting with some chess masters. Good for you.
- Natalie Teeger: [reads the title of a book] "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well, this will be the opposite of fun.
- [reads the dedication]
- Natalie Teeger: "For my queen, Tatiana."
- Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry.
- [finds Linda Kloster's check in the book]
- Natalie Teeger: What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
- Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
- Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, then you can pay your staff, and when I say *staff*, I mean me.
- Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
- Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made he wouldn't get away with it?
- Natalie Teeger: You made a promise to me too.
- Adrian Monk: [through the car mirror, he notices Patrick approaching them]
- [whispering]
- Adrian Monk: There he is.
- Natalie Teeger: He's coming! What do we do? We should kiss. No! I didn't say that. I wasn't thinking. I never said that.
- Natalie Teeger: [Monk's latest check turns out to be $700 short] You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new norm?
- Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to. I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
- Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah so you just void it out. Write "VOID" right here.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't do it. If it were up to me...
- Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!
- Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
- [yells in frustration at Monk. You can tell that this seems to be the norm every payday]
- Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now. But you know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
- [Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip]
- Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh that's just me. I scream every payday.
- [while Monk and Natalie are on their little stakeout, Patrick Kloster comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
- Natalie Teeger: You have to admit, he's real good.
- [takes a sip from her lemonade]
- Natalie Teeger: What? He was right. I am thirsty.
- Adrian Monk: [looks at her rather suspiciously] How do you feel?
- Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine.
- [Monk is still looking at her oddly]
- Natalie Teeger: What?
- Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need.
- [Natalie promptly spits her lemonade out the window on her side of the car and dumps the rest of the cup onto the pavement]
- Natalie Teeger: It just occurred to you? And you didn't say anything? My gosh, Mr. Monk, I've never seen you like this!
- Adrian Monk: How do you feel right now?
- Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you but I feel fine.
- Adrian Monk: [offering the bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
- Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home.
- [Starts the car and they start to drive away]
- Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
- [starts opening his door]
- Natalie Teeger: Wait? What are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: Just stop the car.
- [Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards the Kloster estate]
- Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
- Adrian Monk: His garden.
- Natalie Teeger: His garden?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on Patrick Kloster having finished despite his wife having died] It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
- Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
- Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
- Patrick Kloster: Did she?
- Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
- Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
- Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
- Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was.
- [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher]
- Patrick Kloster: What did the medical examiner say?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
- Natalie Teeger: You know she didn't look sick to me.
- Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. She was also quite depressed.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
- Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
- Adrian Monk: [Elderly woman touches a coffin] Ah, I'm afraid you can't touch that. I'm sorry.
- 1st Elderly Woman: She was our niece.
- Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a former police officer, and I'm afraid we have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
- 2nd Elderly Woman: Borrow her?
- 1st Elderly Woman: Yes, we have to run some toxicology tests on the body.
- 1st Elderly Woman: Oh, my goodness.
- Adrian Monk: No, no no. We do it all the time.
- [takes flowers off the top of the coffin]
- Adrian Monk: We're going to cut her open, just... just a little bit, and slice off a teeny tiny... tiny piece of her liver, and her stomach, and maybe take a tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
- 1st Elderly Woman: But why?
- Adrian Monk: The fact is, we think she might have been poisoned.
- 2nd Elderly Woman: But how did the poison get in the cable car?
- Adrian Monk: What cable car?
- 1st Elderly Woman: The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed!
- Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, that's not my wife.
- [Monk and Natalie put the flowers back on the coffin]
- Patrick Kloster: My wife is right here.
- [Kloster shows them a cremation box]
- Patrick Kloster: I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can see, I have anticipated your every move.
- Adrian Monk: Cremated?
- Patrick Kloster: Yes I don't think your toxicology tests are going to do much good but you are welcome to try.
- [Both Monk and Natalie give him a rather disgusted look]
- Patrick Kloster: Oh I know that look. I've seen it quite often. It's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.
- [walks out of the room]
- Patrick Kloster: [while waiting for the toxicology report to come back about his first wife] You're making a big mistake.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the mistake, Kloster.
- Lt. Randall Disher: You should have had your first wife cremated too.
- [the medical examiner returns with his report]
- Medical Examiner: Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is. There was no poison in the body, we didn't find a thing.
- Adrian Monk: Impossible!
- Medical Examiner: The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
- Patrick Kloster: [getting up to head to the elevator] Thank you, Mr. Monk.
- Adrian Monk: For what?
- Patrick Kloster: Our little game. But to be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.
- [the elevator doors close]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her!
- [pause]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, she's still in the house.
- [pause]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I'm sure.
- [pause]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fine, good. You sleep on it!
- [slams the phone down]
- Adrian Monk: How did that go?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
- Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
- [Disher walks in]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call. You'd better put down the cup.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.
- [Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have arrived at the airport to question Patrick Kloster]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Is he here?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Plane just landed. Whaddaya got?
- Lt. Randall Disher: You're not gonna like it. The ME says natural causes; severe cardiac arrest.
- Adrian Monk: What?
- Lt. Randall Disher: He's already released the body.
- Adrian Monk: Wh-What about a complete toxicology workup?
- Lt. Randall Disher: He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
- Natalie Teeger: But she was 42 years old!
- Adrian Monk: What about the water, the tap water in the bathroom?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Checked.
- Natalie Teeger: Well, how about her lipstick?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Checked. I mean, everything in the house, even her eyedrops, it's all clean.
- Adrian Monk: He killed her; he poisoned her! But how?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well there he is. You can ask him yourself.
- Patrick Kloster: Do you play chess, Mr. Monk?
- Adrian Monk: A little.
- Patrick Kloster: We should play a game sometime.
- Adrian Monk: We already are.
- Adrian Monk: [writes a paycheck for Natalie] "Payable to... Natalie Teeger."
- Natalie Teeger: My four favorite words.
- [Monk delicately tears the check out of his checkbook. In that time, Natalie easily can go get a cup of coffee and come back without being missed]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sir, we were wondering if you were to come downtown and give us a statement.
- Patrick Kloster: I'm afraid my schedule is rather tight but I did take the opportunity of phoning ahead and reserving a room, here, at the airport security offices. It's nothing extravagent but it's got a table and uh, five chairs.
- Natalie Teeger: H-How did you know there would be five of us?
- Patrick Kloster: Please, Ms. Teeger, don't insult me.