- Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart?
- [Marilyn coughs up water]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Say "aunt."
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
- Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
- Adrian Monk: Hi. We're looking for this woman.
- [flashes a photo of Marilyn Brody]
- Bartender: You a cop?
- Adrian Monk: No, no. Just an old friend.
- Bartender: Haven't seen her.
- Adrian Monk: OK.
- [reaches into his wallet and pulls out a $1 dollar bill]
- Adrian Monk: Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory...
- [he waves his hand over the dollar bill]
- Bartender: Is that a dollar?
- Adrian Monk: [winks his eye] Okay I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... two General Washingtons.
- [he puts a quarter down on the dollar bill, and waves his hand over it like he's performing a magic trick. The bartender walks away]
- Adrian Monk: Where's he going?
- [Monk puts the money back in his wallet]
- Adrian Monk: You got to admire the guy. He's incorruptible.
- Barfly: Hey. She's right over there.
- [Monk and Natalie turn around and see Marilyn with her lover in a back table]
- Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack.
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
- Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.
- Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at 1:00 PM, when my head is in the man's toilet.
- Adrian Monk: [Monk lifts up an oven tray with his bare hand after having a flashback to middle school] My hand hurts.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is your oven mitt?
- Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
- Adrian Monk: Sad crazy.
- Natalie Teeger: [at the same time as Monk] Funny crazy.
- Roderick Brody: [confused] Which is it?
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say.
- [takes out a notecard]
- Adrian Monk: "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you."
- Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
- Natalie Teeger: I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You tortured him.
- [Natalie and Monk arrive at the Brody house]
- Natalie Teeger: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
- Adrian Monk: Really?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: I'm not comfortable.
- [Later, as they near the front door]
- Adrian Monk: Not comfortable.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So identical twins, huh? That's one for the books.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I'm pretty sure I said twins.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy, you always say twins.
- [last lines]
- Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling. Toilet tank of life.
- Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home.
- Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
- Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
- Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm going to need that shower cap back.
- Natalie Teeger: OK.
- Adrian Monk: [after Natalie shows up with a new digital camera] Is it a good one?
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: Looks good.
- [He examines the woman on the box's image]
- Adrian Monk: She looks happy with it.
- Natalie Teeger: Yes, she does and she's very hard to please.
- Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingy?
- Natalie Teeger: It has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
- Adrian Monk: Built in? Excellent!
- [Monk starts to use a scalpel to *really* slowly cut an incision into the box]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery.
- Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by 8:00. We can follow her all day.
- Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, Mr. Monk, I made a decision. If you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but I can't help you anymore.
- Adrian Monk: Why not?
- Natalie Teeger: I-I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us.
- Adrian Monk: It's what they call 'pro bono'.
- Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
- Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.
- Natalie Teeger: No, no! That is just crazy talk!
- [She reaches forward and switches off the lamp on Monk's table. Monk switches it back on]
- Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk.
- Natalie Teeger: "Pro bono comeuppance"? That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said, he wants you to *quit*!
- Adrian Monk: I wanted him to quit! I *begged* him to quit forty years ago in stall #3.
- [He pops the box open]
- Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.
- [as he says that, Natalie takes a call on her cell phone]
- Natalie Teeger: Hello?
- [pause]
- Natalie Teeger: Yes, he's right here.
- [the caller gives her an address]
- Natalie Teeger: The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there.
- [She is told that there's been a murder there]
- Natalie Teeger: Okay, what's his name?
- [She learns that the victim is Douglas Fendle]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
- [Monk looks up]
- Adrian Monk: What happened?
- Lt. Randall Disher: [briefing Monk and Natalie on a murder victim at a crime scene] His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but doesn't matter. Let's move on.
- [refers to his notebook]
- Lt. Randall Disher: He was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions...
- [he looks up at Monk]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Are you okay?
- Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure.
- [He looks around the scene as Disher continues reading from his notes]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation and didn't even know he was here.
- Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
- Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8:00 or 9:00 PM last night.
- [pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases]
- Lt. Randall Disher: He was stabbed three times.
- Adrian Monk: Ouch.
- [Natalie looks at him disapprovingly]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
- Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
- Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
- Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
- Adrian Monk: [chuckling] I think he did too. I think you're right.
- [Natalie pulls him aside]
- Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Let me talk to you for a minute, please.
- [She walks him over to another point in the room]
- Natalie Teeger: Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
- [Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
- Natalie Teeger: Well he said he didn't believe us.
- Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
- Natalie Teeger: Well that's horrible. A man is dead.
- Adrian Monk: Yean, I know, and that's murder in the first degree, and you know what that means: prison swirlies.
- Natalie Teeger: [as Marilyn goes upstairs to fetch her husband] She seems nice. How bad can her husband be?
- Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work that way. Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sake.
- Adrian Monk: Well, you were right.
- [hands Roderick a file]
- Adrian Monk: His name is Douglas Fendle.
- Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
- Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
- Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
- Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
- Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
- Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
- Roderick Brody: Well, I don't see anything. You know, this is so dark.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35, 40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We understand.
- Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove anything.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street, that's why you hired us.
- Roderick Brody: To tell you the truth, I'm not so sure about that anymore. The woman I saw. Maybe she wasn't Marilyn. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
- Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
- Roderick Brody: I'm not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. It's like a second honeymoon thing. I think we're in a good place.
- Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, no. You're in a bad place. You're in Heartbreak Hotel. Look at the next one.
- Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a... spoon?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, look closer. See the reflection. Yeah. See, that's them. That's your wife. That's your beloved wife. This is killing you. It's eating you up.
- Roderick Brody: I don't see it.
- Natalie Teeger: You know what, you're probably right. The bar was dark, she was across the room. We probably have the wrong girl. Mr. Monk, we made a mistake.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, what... Zip it. Zip it.
- [Monk starts crying]
- Adrian Monk: This is the worst day of your life.
- Roderick Brody: Are you crying? Adrian, I'm still going to pay you! If that's what you're worried about.
- [Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]
- Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
- Roderick Brody: Yeah, but can I at least call my wife?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well we already called her. She's on her way.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...
- Natalie Teeger: [as Monk pulls out his old camera] Mr. Monk, what is that? Is that your camera? Where'd you get that?
- Adrian Monk: It's a birthday gift.
- Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
- Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
- Natalie Teeger: Is there actual film in it?
- Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it.
- [looks around his surroundings]
- Adrian Monk: Okay, I have three pictures left. There's not enough light. So...
- [He takes out a flash cube]
- Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube?
- Adrian Monk: [popping the cube on] Bingo. Hold this.
- [He then stands a spoon on its handle. He polishes it while Natalie keeps the spoon steady]
- Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror.
- [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself]
- Natalie Teeger: [whispering] Hurry up! Take the picture!
- [as the flash fires, Monk and Natalie wince their eyes to try to avoid being temporarily blinded]
- Barfly: You like that spoon, huh?
- [Natalie suddenly gets an idea]
- Natalie Teeger: Sir, would you mind taking our picture, please?
- Barfly: Madam, I would be honored.
- Natalie Teeger: [hands him the camera] Here you are. It's all ready to go!
- Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself. A gift from my Nana.
- Natalie Teeger: And if you could just stand right there.
- [does some positioning]
- Natalie Teeger: Can you see us?
- Barfly: I got ya.
- Natalie Teeger: And on the count of three. One, two, and THREE!
- [the camera flash goes off. She and Monk duck to either side during the flash and come back up]
- Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You were right about karma. It is *fantastic*.
- Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk-
- [Captain Stottlemeyer enters the room]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, Natalie. Thank you so much for coming. I was just doing a bit of dumpster diving down there. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, what do you think?
- [Monk looks like he wants to withhold something]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
- [Monk blushes]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you happy?
- Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
- [Randy whispers to Stottlemeyer]
- Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? You know this guy?
- [gestures towards the bedroom and Fendle's dead body]
- Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
- Natalie Teeger: Never met him face to face.
- Adrian Monk: ...We've sort of been following him.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
- Adrian Monk: Well he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and we were following her.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
- Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
- Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
- Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every day for three years.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even.
- Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told your pal about Fendle. And you told him that Fendle was going to be here?
- [Monk's lips seem to read "yes"]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name?
- Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. It's privilaged information. We could contact a third party or a lawyer...
- [Monk cuts her off]
- Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle.
- [Disher starts to write down the name and address]
- Adrian Monk: No that looks like an "A". B-R-O-D-Y, Roderick Brody.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.
- [They file out, and Monk whispers to Natalie]
- Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies.