- Kelvin: This picture is going to mark the return of my father's studio as a major force in the entertainment industry.
- Makeup Effects Guy #2: Tiny Terrors 9, Purgatory of the Petite?
- Kelvin: I defy you to forget a title like that.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: Once upon a time a fair maiden and a lad journeyed out for a feast with their kind-hearted dad / But before they gave thanks and took even a bite, a maniac arrived like a boat in the night / He murdered, he butchered, with few words spoken, leaving only the fair maiden and her shattered heart broken / But he didn't get far, that demon with a gun, and they gave him the chair as she ended his run / They sent his blackened ashes to his mother, a witch, who tracked down the maiden and left her a gift / A box filled with spices and ashes within, and when she baked up her cookie, it rose with a grin / It mangled and murdered, it bludgeoned and chopped, the Gingerdead Man who couldn't be stopped / Until late in the night, when he finally met his fate, Prince did rescue the maiden in wait / The story ended happily, just like it should, as the homocidal cookie was banished for good / The bakery was sold and the maiden was married, the spices were stowed as the bodies were buried / So don't peek in the oven at that black smoldering pan, you just might find the monster called the Gingerdead Man!
- [last lines]
- Narrator: So they lived happily ever after, the story teller and his new wife, they remembered the dead, but more importantly, life / And another chapter ended for the Gingerdead Man, it seemed his story finished when their story began / Cookies should stay inside of their jars, not murder and kill, and hijack your cars / So, follow your dreams, no matter what they say, never listen to critics, those assholes are lame / And warn all your children in search of a treat, eat all your veggies, because you are what you eat.