- Katie: Maybe some women are ok with the wild and unpredictable lifestyle of dating a librarian, but I'm not.
- Sergei Kubichek: Who do you really work for? FBI, CIA? Why are you after Judas Chalice?
- Flynn Carsen: I already have the Judas plate and the Judas knife and fork. I want the complete set.
- Simone Renoir: It's okay, Librarian. You can drop the act. You're very convincing as a hapless loser, by the way.
- [goes to the altar]
- Flynn Carsen: Librarian? How did you... what do you mean 'hapless loser'?
- Flynn Carsen: [after nearly being beheaded] Trip wire. Would you survive that?
- Simone Renoir: 'Ead cut off, as bad as sunlight. I go poof!
- Flynn Carsen: Stake through the heart?
- Simone Renoir: Only wood from an aspen tree will work.
- [realizing the implication of his question]
- Simone Renoir: Hey!
- Flynn Carsen: Just asking.
- Flynn Carsen: [getting upset after Excalibur repeatedly nudges him as Charlene and Judson talk] All right! Stop it! All of you!
- Judson: Flynn? Flynn, are you all right?
- Flynn Carsen: [loudly] Yeah, I'm fine. No, I'm good. What could possibly be wrong?
- [stalks off]
- Flynn Carsen: I mean I work in a basement, doing a secret job I can't even tell my mother about AND my best friend is a sword! What could possibly be wrong?
- Charlene: [surprised] I think he's snapped.
- Judson: Flynn, you're scaring the relics.
- Flynn Carsen: [angrily strained] This place is SUCKING the life out of me!
- Andrew: Boy, it's good to have tourists back in the city.
- Flynn Carsen: I look like a tourist?
- Andrew: [looking him up and down] Mon Ami, you look like 'the' tourist.
- Simone Renoir: You can not escape your destiny, Flynn.
- Flynn Carsen: No, I was trying to take a little vacation from it, but it didn't seem to work out.
- Simone Renoir: No! If you fight your destiny, you will be miserable. You must embrace it and revel in every moment.
- Sergei Kubichek: [looking around] Didn't we bring more men?
- Ivan: Well, George disappeared, then Peter and two others. Drinking maybe.
- Sergei Kubichek: It's so hard to find good help.
- Simone Renoir: [entering the room with a tray] Good. You're awake.
- Flynn Carsen: [jumping up] But I saw you get shot. You had no pulse. You... were dead.
- Simone Renoir: Yeah, sure. I was already dead.
- Flynn Carsen: What do you mean? What do you mean 'dead'? Like undead? Like a vampire?
- Simone Renoir: After centuries of trying to protect the chalice, I failed. And I led them here.
- Flynn Carsen: Well technically, I led them here. And it's not over yet. For a four hundred and three year-old woman, you sure don't have a lot of patience.
- Flynn Carsen: So, you knew the pirate Lafitte?
- Simone Renoir: Light-weight when it came to rum. Not so tough passed out in his poofy shirt.
- Flynn Carsen: Where's Judson?
- Charlene: In the large collections annex.
- Flynn Carsen: We have a large collections annex?
- Sergei Kubichek: I enjoyed lecture, Professor. Very informative.
- Professor Lazlo: [chuckling] Two thousand years of Romanian history and all they want to know about is the vampires.
- Flynn Carsen: This might sound like a bad pick-up line, but... you're the woman I've been dreaming about.
- Simone Renoir: [just smiling] You're right. It does sound like a bad pick-up line.
- Professor Lazlo: [as the vampire minions enter] You're looking for your missing men, Ivan? Sorry, I had to snack on the journey.
- Ivan: You killed my men, Lazlo?
- Professor Lazlo: Please, call me Vlad.
- Flynn Carsen: If you're Vlad, who's that?
- [about the body]
- Professor Lazlo: It's a peasant in the box. I lived for centuries among you humans, unnoticed until the cattle got sick.
- Flynn Carsen: [quizzically] 1829 pandemic?
- Flynn Carsen: [while sword fighting] Ah. British Cavalry sword. Worthy and Sons. Silver filigrees.
- Mason: [tilting his head] A bit over-priced!
- Flynn Carsen: How old are you?
- Simone Renoir: Americans. To ask a lady such a question... I am 403 years old.
- Barber: [as Flynn walks into the shop] A shave will take that hangover off.
- Flynn Carsen: It shows that much, huh?
- Barber: New Orleans badge of honor.
- Sergei Kubichek: So, if I have Professor Lazlo?
- Flynn Carsen: Yes, in that case killing me is totally an option.
- Professor Lazlo: [being pulled from the room] I'm sorry, son. I had not choice. They forced me.
- Andrew: Hey, you disappeared on me after the big show.
- Flynn Carsen: Sorry, Andre, I met some friends. Uh, this is the luckiest boat in New Orleans, huh?
- Andrew: Well, I never said it was the prettiest.
- Flynn Carsen: Simone, Andre. Andre, Simone. Cousin Earl.
- Andrew: [shaking hands with Simone] Hey.
- [to Flynn]
- Andrew: Hmm. If that's the friend you met, I forgive you. Boy, you starting to get that New Orleans spirit, mon ami.
- Andrew: You here on business or pleasure?
- Flynn Carsen: Pleasure.
- Andrew: Well, then you in luck, 'cause pleasure is my business.
- Simone Renoir: [listening to Flynn ramble] Is that what it's like in your head all the time?
- Flynn Carsen: Uh... pretty much. Except for the screaming when I'm being shot at. Or when I'm falling a great distance.
- Judson: Flynn, I won't disagree that there is a battle between good and evil, and... and right now it... it seems like evil is winning. But soon, you and the library are... are going to play a... an even more important role in that struggle. And as... as far as my being, you know, 2,000 years old, that's... well, that's just in... insulting.
- Charlene: [over the phone] And Mason?
- Flynn Carsen: [looking around the room] He's here and he brought a friend... a very big friend.
- Charlene: Whatever it takes, do not let him leave with that vase.
- Flynn Carsen: [taking his seat in the room] Check. Save the world no matter what.
- Charlene: As long as you don't go over budget.
- Charlene: [following his down the stairs] Flynn! One million pounds!
- Flynn Carsen: Please, Charlene. Not today. I'm not in the mood.
- Charlene: [cynical] Oh fine! I'll just deduct it from your pay for the next fifty years.
- Charlene: [knocking on his door] Flynn, open up. It's Charlene!
- Flynn Carsen: [as he opens the door] What are you doing here?
- Charlene: Well, my combination speed dating/wine tasting was two streets down.
- [drunkenly holds up an empty bottle]
- Flynn Carsen: How did that go?
- Ivan: [to Flynn as the vampire minions advance] You got a plan, book-boy, because I'd love to hear it!
- Simone Renoir: You took my life away from me but you don't get to take his!
- [Flynn]
- Professor Lazlo: I gave you a gift!
- Simone Renoir: Allow me to return the favor!
- [leaps to attack him]
- Flynn Carsen: [rising as he shouts] One million pounds!
- Auctioneer: [after a moment of stunned silence] Sold to the impatient American for one million pounds.
- Simone Renoir: [about being on Lafitte's ship, The Pride] I was here twice when he was docked in New Orleans. Parties.
- Flynn Carsen: Then I guess you knew him well.
- Simone Renoir: [Flynn is improvising an escape from a locked room] Flynn, there are no cannon balls.
- Flynn Carsen: We don't need them.
- Simone Renoir: Newton's third law?
- Flynn Carsen: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The explosion should be strong enough to drag this cannon back and through that door.
- Simone Renoir: Should?
- Flynn Carsen: Well... like about sixty percent of the plans I come up with, there is a strong possibility that it could all go horribly, horribly wrong. We could die in the explosion.
- Simone Renoir: Well, I can't die.
- Flynn Carsen: Right. I'm the only one who can die in the explosion. Glad we clarified that. Okay, here we go.
- Simone Renoir: Wait.
- [she kisses him]
- Simone Renoir: For luck.
- Flynn Carsen: [lighting the fuse] Here goes nothing.
- Simone Renoir: [they duck down, with Flynn covering her] Wait, wait, wait.
- [they reverse positions; the cannon fires and forces the door down]
- Flynn Carsen: Yay, Newton!
- Katie: In the the last six month we've been dating, you've given a hundred excuses!
- Flynn Carsen: [almost scoffing] Oh, come on! A hundred?
- Flynn Carsen: [handing the check to the Auctioneer] And let's wait about two weeks before cashing that, shall we?
- Judson: So, did you find the Philosopher's Stone?
- Flynn Carsen: [digging in his pockets] Oh, yeah!
- Charlene: [cynical as she looks away] Ask him how much it cost.
- Auctioneer: [looking at the stone] What is that?
- Flynn Carsen: That's the Philosopher's Stone. The most powerful and famous transmutational relic in all of history.
- Auctioneer: [awed] Ahhh. What does that mean?
- Mason: [entering] It means that the stone can turn anything it touches into gold.