How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Spoiler Alert (2007)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Quotes 

• Marshall Eriksen : Brother, you're driving the "I wanna have sex with her" truck, and it has a huge blind spot.

  Ted Mosby : That's ridiculous.

  Barney Stinson : Is it, really? Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with. Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, we made love for ten straight hours, and when we were done, she applauded, and told me I was far, far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in God.

  Ted Mosby : What's that have to do with Cathy?

  Barney Stinson : Who's Cathy?

• Robin Scherbatsky : Oh, my God, Lily! What are you eating? Gravel?

  Marshall Eriksen : Oh, I know, right? It sounds like cufflinks going up a vacuum cleaner!

  Lily Aldrin : Well, why don't you sing about it?

  Marshall Eriksen : [singing]  Because I don't sing about everything I do!

  Robin Scherbatsky : No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense words, like a stroke victim. And what's worse: they're catchy! Apple, Orchard, Banana Cat Dance.

  Robin Scherbatsky , Lily Aldrin , Barney Stinson , Ted Mosby : 8663.

  Robin Scherbatsky : See, we know that one because you once sang it for like three hours? What the hell is that?

  Marshall Eriksen : That's my password: AOBCD8663.

• Ted Mosby : She just never shuts up, does she?

  Robin Scherbatsky : She didn't stop to swallow her food. I was scared for her. I didn't want her to choke... at first

• Ted Mosby : I can't wait for you guys to meet her. Lily, she knows all about art. Marshall, she is open to the existence of extraterrestrials. Barney, she's hot. Robin, she's not hotter than you.

• Lily : Ugh, this is all Ted's fault. Ooh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector.

  Robin Scherbatsky : What are you talking about?

  Lily : Oh, come on, you dated the guy for a year and didn't notice that most of what he says is correcting you?

  [flashback] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh, can you hand me a Kleenex?

  Ted : Actually, Kleenex is a brand, this is a facial tissue.

  [flashback; during a movie] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl?

  Ted : Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene, that's Frankenstein's monster.

  [flashback; after having sex] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : That literally blew my mind.

  Ted : Figuratively.

  [back to the bar] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh, my God, that is so annoying!

  Lily : Isn't it?

• Ted Mosby : You guys want a drink?

  Robin Scherbatsky : I'll just have a water.

  Ted Mosby : Mmm, technically, water is a drink.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Really, professor? You drink it? Is that how water works? Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin and hope that I absorbed it.

• Ted Mosby : So, i just got off the phone with Cathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now... See it now?... Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she have possibly done in that time that was so horrible? Was it...

  [Flashback, at the restaurant] 

  Ted Mosby : I'll be back in one second.

  Cathy : One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me.

  [laughs] 

  Cathy : He's still in jail.

  [End flashback] 

  Ted Mosby : Or maybe...

  Ted Mosby : [New flashback]  I'll be back in a second.

  Cathy : So I volunteer at the pound.

  Lily : Oh, isn't that nice?

  Cathy : Yeah. You can't imagine the rush you get from killing a unwanted dog. I make bracelets out of the collars.

  [End flashback] 

  Ted Mosby : Or...

  [Another flashback] 

  Ted Mosby : I'll be back in one second.

  Cathy : I bet he's going to the urinal. yeah. I remember when I had a penis.

• Ted Mosby : She chews loudly. Why do you think we call her Chewbacca?

  Marshall Eriksen : Because she's loyal, wears shiny belts, and I resemble a young Harrison Ford.

• Marshall Eriksen : I'm gonna have to wait till the results come in the regular mail. That could be weeks from now, if ever! Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her when the baby was due.

  Robin Scherbatsky : She wasn't pregnant?

  Ted Mosby : No, he was not.

• Marshall Eriksen : What about you, "Barney"? Okay, you... always...

  Barney Stinson : Interesting, interesting, everyone has annoying habits but me.

  Marshall Eriksen : Oh, got it. Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice.

  Robin Scherbatsky : And you're constantly using lame catchphrases.

  Ted Mosby : And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention to what we're talking about.

  Barney Stinson : I'm sorry. what? Oh, see? You can't think of anything cause I am awesome.

  Robin Scherbatsky : All three right the.