- Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
- Adrian Monk: The doctors say no, it was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
- Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
- [the trio pull up to a suspect's decrepit house, in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
- Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
- Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, maybe Natalie drove it someplace.
- Adrian Monk: [after Disher turns up a promising lead] What about your other idea? You said you had two.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah... well, it's a just a theory, just brainstorming.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Disher's hand] "The Terminator"? You think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imitating Schwarzenegger] Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live.
- Lt. Randall Disher: That was T-2.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] And things of this nature...
- Natalie Teeger: Randy, I need to ask a favor.
- Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
- Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
- Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.
- [Monk having an apointment with Dr. Kroger after discovering the stuffed dead body of the old Mrs. Teeger]
- Adrian Monk: I just wanna thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: [sitting in his PJ] No! No, no, happy to do it.
- Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
- Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does.
- [Monk walks upstairs to Mrs. Teeger's bedroom, and sees her sitting in a rocking chair with her back to him]
- Adrian Monk: Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him.
- [No answer]
- Adrian Monk: I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?
- [He looks again, and sees the chair is rocking because of a breeze from the open window]
- Adrian Monk: Are... are you dead?
- [He picks up a hairbrush with a tissue and edges forward]
- Adrian Monk: Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies...
- [He nudges the chair with the hairbrush. Mrs. Teeger pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]
- Adrian Monk: Please be dead! Please be dead!
- Police Dispatcher: [over radio] All units, be advised, possible 187, name Julie Teeger, repeat, possible 187.
- Natalie Teeger: [panicked] The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
- Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?
- Adrian Monk: Uh...
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what's a 187?
- Adrian Monk: Homicide.
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God!
- [she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, wait! Just wait for the Captain!
- [Natalie does not listen. She jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, and speeds away]
- [on a stakeout, Stottlemeyer hears scratching over the wire]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
- [Upstairs, Randy is dressed in drag and a gray wig in a rocking chair, and finds that his "bra" is extremely itchy]
- Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
- Police Technician: This is a new low.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
- Natalie Teeger: [on her cell phone, trying to call Julie. She leaves a message] It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice. Call me when you get this.
- [Natalie hangs up and she starts walking away]
- Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] Tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger.
- [Natalie stops, and listens carefully]
- First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
- Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
- First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
- Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. The picture matches. It's definitely her.
- [Natalie, who is standing just a few feet away, runs over to Stottlemeyer's car. She is getting in just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
- Adrian Monk: [noticing Natalie in the car] Natalie? Natalie!
- [She starts to speed off]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?
- Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please, please, I am begging you. You were a teenager once, right?
- Adrian Monk: Very briefly.
- Julie Teeger: Well, then you know!
- [being led across the squad room, a handcuffed Matthew catches sight of Julie, and her name written on the binder in her arms]
- Matthew Teeger: Are you Julie Teeger?
- [Julie freezes]
- Matthew Teeger: That's my mother's name.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey... hey, get him the hell out of here!
- Matthew Teeger: [as he is hustled out] You'd better be careful, Julie Teeger.
- [Julie is frozen for a moment]
- Sergeant Harris: Are you okay?
- Julie Teeger: [shaken, but nods, then turns to Monk] Oh my God, he is so the guy!
- Lt. Randall Disher: He's never gonna buy this.
- Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is, that we keep him talking.
- Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert, sound conversational.
- Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
- [after arriving at a crime scene in a patrol car - due to Natalie having taken his - Stottlemeyer goes over to his new car, and finds that it looks like someone rammed the car into a wall]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles.
- Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I cut across the creek.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [bewildered] There's no bridge across the creek.
- Natalie Teeger: I know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
- Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured.
- [tries once more to get a smudge off the battered hood of the car]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I need to be alone.
- Natalie Teeger: Here.
- [She tries to bang the hood down a few times. Due to the fact that it has crumpled up, it won't fit completely. She and Randy walk away]
- [Captain Stottlemeyer arrives with a police detail to transfer Natalie and Julie to the police station]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You'll have a TV, your own bathroom...
- Natalie Teeger: What happened?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nothing, I'm just being extra cautious, that's all.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain, something happened! You have to tell me, I'm her mother.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. I thought it was a fairly common name, I thought we'd get dozens of hits, but we checked Washington, Oregon, went as far east as Colorado...
- Natalie Teeger: And?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And she's the only Julie Teeger within a thousand miles.
- Julie Teeger: [scared] ... You mean the only one left.
- [after Matthew Teeger has been caught, Julie pleads to be let out so she can take her driver's test]
- Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you what, if Mr. Monk says it's okay, you can go.
- Adrian Monk: What? No, no, don't drag me into this. In case you forgot, I have my own problems.
- Natalie Teeger: Well, now you have one more. All right, I've got to go call my parents.
- [kisses Julie's cheek]
- Natalie Teeger: They've been worried sick.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [enters the squad room carrying a file and a DVD] Captain, Monk, I've got two ideas.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Two ideas?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Which one do you want first?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one that'll make me less pissed off.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [thinks a moment, holds up the file] Theory A: I remembered this old case, Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
- Adrian Monk: Any arrests?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is?
- [Stottlemeyer shows Monk the file]
- Adrian Monk: *Julia* Teeger.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A history of violence and a mother obsession.
- Adrian Monk: I like it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.