Wendy Benson-Landes: Barbara Caufield

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Ryan Malloy : [talking to mop propped up against the coffee bar counter]  Hi. What's a big celebrity like you doing here?

  Barbara Caufield : Ryan, what are you doing?

  Ryan Malloy : Talking to Ally McBeal. She's very thin, you know. That's what makes this bit work. See that, Barbara? Go out with me and there will be... more comic highlights like this. And the kind of love Dad used to get for a chocolate bar and a pair of Nylons. Come on, cutie, what are you doing tonight?

  [pinches her cheek] 

  Barbara Caufield : Washing my cheek.

  [with an ugly scowl at the errant little creep] 

  Tiffany Malloy : [enters happily]  We just had the most incredible guest speaker. Jim. He's an investment banker. He's rich. But he's not just all numbers. He was witty, he was charming, he was cute. I think he may be the perfect guy.

  Barbara Caufield : Oh, no, no, no, no. There's no such thing as the perfect guy. The perfect guy does not exist. It's a myth, like... "Size doesn't matter."

  Ryan Malloy : It's not a myth. All of us guys know size doesn't matter.

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, he is perfect, and I want perfect. I went up to him after the lecture, and guess what? He asked me out! He's got a PhD, an MBA, a JD and an AB. Apple butt!

  Ryan Malloy : It's probably because he does the same butt exercises as I do. My butt's so tight you could bounce a quarter off it.

  [hands quarter to Barbara] 

  Ryan Malloy : Why don't you go on and give it a try?

  [adopts ridiculous ungainly position on love couch] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm afraid if we did, George Washington would start screaming.

  Ryan Malloy : The guy on the penny?