Nikki Cox: Tiffany Malloy

Quotes 

• Jennie Malloy : It's 10 AM, honey, shouldn't you be at college?

  Tiffany Malloy : [resolutely]  I am never going to school again.

  [front door opens, Ryan enters] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hey, Ryan, what did you find out?

  Ryan Malloy : Sorry, Sis. Mum's the word. No-one's talking. Apparently, whatever you did was so terrible, no-one even wants to talk about it. Say, do you guys want to hear about how I beat up the Abominable Snowman this weekend?

  [no interest, but he continues] 

  Ryan Malloy : We started off...

  [mimicking fight] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Okay, look. I didn't want to do this, but I have to get back where I was.

  [picks up the box of chocalates] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm going back. Let's get ready to rum ball.

  [pops one into her mouth] 

• Cherri : [Tiffany's memories from forgotten night, as she is drunkenly singing]  Tiffany! Stop it! You are ruining the party!

  Tiffany Malloy : [drunken giggle]  I am the party!

  [singing off-key:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Where seldom is heard a discouraging word...

  Cherri : No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No more Gene Autry.

  [to the other girls who haven't fled the room] 

  Cherri : Let's take her to the bedroom and tie her down so we can salvage the rest of the weekend.

  Tiffany Malloy : [far gone]  Oh? Oh, the party's going to the bedroom? Oh, I haven't yodeled in there yet.

  [lets rip with a few more eardrum-assailing yodels] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hello, you!

  Jack Malloy : [the reality: in the present, Tiffany lies sprawled on the couch, squawking out songs in her stupour, and Jack enters, annoyed]  Who is killing the cat, huh?

  Jennie Malloy : [clutching her ears]  Oh, shut her up! Shut her up! Will you make her come out of it?

  Jack Malloy : [to no avail]  Tiffany, honey, Tiffany, Tiffany!

  [idea:] 

  Jack Malloy : Tiffany, there's a sale at Barney's. Manolo Blahnik pumps are 50% off!

  Tiffany Malloy : What? Where am I?

  [comes to her senses] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, Daddy, that's it! I wasn't defiled or... or deflowered, I am untouched. Except by the music of Gene Autry.

  Jack Malloy : [hand raised in awe, so is Tiffany's]  Praise the greatest of the singing cowboys!

  Jennie Malloy : Now you can go back to school with your head held high.

  Tiffany Malloy : Are you kidding me? Why would I go back to school? I'm gonna gobble rum balls and groove to the tunes of Gene Autry.

  [eagerly rushing up the stairs to her room with the whole box of chocolates] 

• Cherri : Tiffany, do you want a martini?

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh no, thank you. I don't drink, I don't inhale, and I've never ever told anyone to lie. You have to stay pure if you wanna be President.

  Cherri : Well, how about a chocolate?

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, chocolate!

  [gladly accepts one, eats it, then feels something come over her] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Wait a minute! I feel funny, and woozy, and weird. What's in that thing?

  Cherri : It's just a rum ball.

  Tiffany Malloy : [panicking]  Rum? Oh my God. One half ounce of rum combined with my body weight and zero alcohol tolerance, I'm... Oh my God, I'm drunk!

• Tiffany Malloy : I don't remember anything after that. Ryan, how could you leave me alone in such a state?

  Ryan Malloy : You weren't alone. There was plenty of guys around, and everyone wanted to take care of ya.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, Ryan. What did I do? And what if I liked it? I mean, what if the demon rum unleashed some sort of strange deviant being inside of me, some sort of Ms. Hyde I've been repressing all of these years? What if I'm not Tiffany Malloy, good girl, but Tiffany Malloy, deranged sexaholic?

• Tiffany Malloy : [first lines, waking up, close-up of her brown eyes and red fringe]  Mm. Morning. Where am I again? Oh yeah, my friends and I drove up to Lake Tahoe yesterday for the big college ski weekend, an elegant, sophisticated weekend of invigorating winter sports. Gosh, I don't remember much of what happened. I wonder if I had a good time?

  [camera pulls back to reveal she is lying arms spread-eagled and her mouth gagged] 

• Ryan Malloy : [jumping onto the couch from behind to sit next to her]  Some gene pool, huh?

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, Ryan, I've got the gene. The whacko gene, the nympho gene, the chestnut mare gene. Grandma had it, Mom has it, and now it's alive in me. Oh, Ryan, I have to find out what I did while I was drunk on that rum ball, otherwise I'll never be able to look at myself in the mirror again, and that will make it really hard to put on eyeliner.

  Jack Malloy : [entering, coming over to the couch]  What's the matter, baby? You lose something?

  Tiffany Malloy : Maybe...

  [breaks down crying] 

• Tiffany Malloy : Hi, Cherri.

  Cherri : I am, like, *so* not talking to you since the ski weekend. I mean, if you're gonna do that kind of stuff, for God's sakes, like, do it at home!

  [leaves in a huff] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh... Ryan, my best friend of the week won't talk to me, and... all the guys are leering at me like mustachioed old ladies at a Tom Jones concert.

  Ryan Malloy : Is he that old hound with the pelvic thrusts?

  Tiffany Malloy : No. No, that's Clinton.

• Tiffany Malloy : [fears that she might have disgraced herself]  Oh, my God, I'm a Melrose Place girl!

• Tiffany Malloy : I can *never* go back to school again. I mean, who knows what I did when I was drunk on that rumball?

  Ryan Malloy : Come on, Tiffany, why don't you just cut loose and embrace the new you? I mean, apparently you were a lot of fun to hang out with for a change.

  Tiffany Malloy : "For a change?" You think that doing crosswords in ink isn't fun? You think that... that watching old movies and mouthing along the dialogue isn't fun? You think that playing Test My Vocabulary isn't *fun?* What world do you live in, Mister?

• Tiffany Malloy : Okay, look! I didn't wanna do this, but I have to get back to where I was.

  [picks up rumball] 

  Tiffany Malloy : I'm going back! Let's get ready to rumball!

• Cherri : Tiffany! Stop it! You are ruining the party!

  Tiffany Malloy : [tipsy, laughs merrily]  I am the party.

  [continues belting out Gene Autrey song:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Where seldom is heard / a discouraging word...

  Cherri : No, no, no, no, no, no! No more Gene Autrey!

  [to the other girls:] 

  Cherri : Let's take her to the bedroom and tie her down so we can salvage the rest of the weekend.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh! Ooh, the party's going to the bedroom! I haven't yodeled in there yet!

  [drunken giggle] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Yodel-lay-*hee*, yodel-lay-*hee*...!

  [to the camera:] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Hello, you!

• Jennie Malloy : [as Tiffany sings drunkenly]  Oh, shut her up! Shut her up! Will you make her come out of it!

  Jack Malloy : Tiffany, honey, Tiffany! Tiffany! Tiffany, there's a sale at Barney's! Manalo Blahnik pumps are fifty percent off!

  Tiffany Malloy : [instantly sober]  What? Where am I?