- Jason Mendoza: Chidi should hook up with the Judge to get us out of trouble! I've done that a bunch of times. It's called a Jacksonville Plea Bargain.
- Chidi Anagonye: Imagine someone sells a joint and then gets locked away in a dangerous prison for years. The crime isn't cruel, but the punishment is. That's a problem.
- Jason Mendoza: Tell me about it. I once went to jail for a week just because I stole a hot dog. Well, a hot-dog-shaped car. I stole the Weinermobile.
- Chidi Anagonye: Please have a seat, your Honor.
- Judge: I already told you, I'm not interested. Give me one reason why I should hear you out.
- Janet: Okay. Here he is.
- [Timothy Olyphant materializes next to Janet]
- Timothy Olyphant: [tips his hat] Ma'am.
- Judge: [gleefully] You made me an Olyphant?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay, we need to come up with our ideal plan in about ten minutes.
- Michael: Guys, it's all come to this. Everything we've been through - multiple lives you led on Earth, all the lives here, all the ethics training and lessons and journeys to the farthest corners of the afterlife - all happened so that we could be here together, as the very best versions of ourselves, to solve the ultimate problem... in the nick of time.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [unimpressed] Cool speech. Now it's nine minutes.
- Chidi Anagonye: Can one of you Janets get me a chalkboard and a copy of Judith Shklar's "Ordinary Vices"? Oh, and maybe some warm pretzels? If we're going out, I'm going out with a belly full of warm pretzels. Yummy, yum, yum. Yummy!
- Michael: Okay, before we try to completely redesign the entire afterlife, has anyone just thought of a good reason the Judge *shouldn't* cancel Earth?
- Jason Mendoza: Because it would be a bummer.
- Michael: Yeah, we might need more than that.
- Jason Mendoza: Are you at least gonna write it down?
- Michael: [hesitates, then writes something on his notepad] Eh... all right...
- Jason Mendoza: Did you actually write it down, or did you just do a scribble-scrabble?
- [Michael scowls, then tears the sheet off and crumples it up]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you, but... it's kinda doing it for me. Should we get out of here? No, but I like the confidence!
- Chidi Anagonye: Well, when you have a thousand different versions of you over multiple timelines fused and instantly placed into your consciousness, it gives you a real sense of clarity.
- Michael: [grinning] You saw the Time Knife, didn't you?
- Chidi Anagonye: Yep. Saw the Time Knife.
- [shrugs]
- Chidi Anagonye: It was neat.
- Chidi Anagonye: So anyone who doesn't meet the threshold for the new Medium Place neighborhood is yours for the taking. The Bad Place still has plenty of people to torture.
- Shawn: I have to admit, this does make sense. And I like that your side is settling for a crappy deal while my side stays mostly the same. What the hell. I'm in.
- Michael: Really?
- Shawn: [laughs] No! You actually believed me?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Dude, in 20 minutes, all of humanity is going to be erased forever.
- Shawn: And?
- Chidi Anagonye: The Bad Place will get emptied out, too. You'll have no one to torture for billions of years. Everyone loses.
- Shawn: Oh, I know. But here's the thing: I don't care if everyone loses as long as you lose.
- Michael: Shawn, listen to reason.
- Shawn: Why should I? None of this would have happened if you hadn't mucked around with your Neighborhood and your new ideas. New ideas are gross. They sicken me.
- Jason Mendoza: [crosses his arms] Shawn, you used to be cool. But you've changed, man.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay, we need to think bigger. We need to come up with an entirely new afterlife system that both the Good and Bad Places agree on, which seems impossible.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Nonsense. Compromise is always possible. I was once in Portofino with Bruno Mars, LeBron James, and Dr. Ruth Westheimer...
- Eleanor Shellstrop: We don't have time for this right now, babe.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Fine. Long story short, LeBron performed a successful tracheotomy, the song won multiple Grammys, and everyone was really happy.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [frowns] Well, now I want to hear the story.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: No, you're right. Let's focus.
- Michael: What's wrong, Shawn?
- Shawn: Okay, fine. Gonna make me admit it. Fighting you is the most fun I've ever had. I mean, you know... you corkscrew your first eyeball and you're like, man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this! By the trillionth, it's like, I should've just been a teacher. And then you go and get the warm fuzzies about your little humans, and something... something changed. I was having fun again. I'm not sure I'm ready for that to end.
- Michael: I know, buddy. It's hard when things end. But one way or the other, this is over. The only question is, what's next? I heard your speech at Demon-Con. You know this system stinks. You wouldn't have let me try the original experiment if things were working. Let's try a new way together.
- [first lines]
- Judge: Ugh. All Janet voids are nothing, but Neutral Janet voids are, like, the most nothing.
- Shawn: [Shawn appears holding a lit match] Aw man, I had just gotten all the puppies to climb into the cannon.