- Graeme Willy: How come I can understand you? Are you using some neural language router?
- Paul: Actually I'm speaking English you fucking idiot!
- Graeme Willy: You are an alien!
- Paul: To you I am, yes.
- Graeme Willy: Are you gonna probe us?
- Paul: *Why* does everyone always assume that? What am I doing? Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass?
- Paul: [1980 collaboration phone call] Okay Steven, how 'bout cellular revivification?
- Steven Spielberg: I don't know what that is.
- Paul: Oh. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory.
- Steven Spielberg: What's that mean?
- Paul: It means healing, Mr. Spielberg.
- Steven Spielberg: Yeah right, healing. Like by touch or something like that. Like maybe his finger lights up on the end when he reaches out and touches?
- Paul: Maybe... You know, sometimes I find less is more.
- Steven Spielberg: Hey, trust me.
- Agent Zoil: Pleasure to meet you boys. You did a hell of a job.
- Clive Gollings: Thank you, Agent Zoil.
- Agent Zoil: Please call me Lorenzo.
- Clive Gollings, Graeme Willy: Lorenzo Zoil?
- Clive Gollings: [Putting the phone to his ear] It's ringing.
- Paul: [Out of view] I wouldn't do that if I were you
- [Clive and Graham turn around]
- Paul: Put... the phone... down!
- Clive Gollings: [Falling backwards fainting] Ha ha ha ha ha!
- Paul: Aw fuck me.
- Graeme Willy: [Looks to his right, then down, and then back at the approching alien] What did you do to him?
- Paul: I didn't do anything to him - he fainted!
- Graeme Willy: But you made him faint!
- Paul: It's not like I set my phaser to faint!
- Graeme Willy: You've got a phaser?
- Graeme Willy: Whats the matter Clive?
- Clive Gollings: There is an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee.
- Graeme Willy: Did you want tea?
- Clive Gollings: No, I don't want tea!
- Graeme Willy: Right, because tea is weird in America.
- Ruth Buggs: Fuck-a-roo, that was the best titty-farting sleep I have ever had.
- Paul: I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth? Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, okay?
- Graeme Willy: Hey, maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry?
- Paul: Fuck yeeah!
- Ruth Buggs: You bet your big fat cock I am!
- Paul: Nice!
- Paul: [Paul is posing on the couch as Graeme prepares to draw him] Are you gonna draw me like your French girls, Jack?
- [blows a kiss]
- The Big Guy: Haggard.
- Agent Zoil: Zoil.
- The Big Guy: Where are the other two?
- Agent Zoil: One crashed and burned, the other just burned.
- The Big Guy: Jesus Christ! This has been one fuck-up after another. I should have handled this myself.
- Agent Zoil: I am very close. You give me one hour.
- The Big Guy: An hour? I'll be eating canapès with the governor in an hour. I need this wrapped up now!
- Agent Zoil: No, no. They're mine, damn it. I'm gonna finish this, once and for all.
- The Big Guy: Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big gun...
- [Zoil shoots the radio]
- Agent Zoil: Boring conversation anyway.
- Clive Gollings: They're going to rape us and break our arms!
- Graeme Willy: I don't want my arms broken.
- State Trooper: Where are you boys from?
- Clive Gollings: ...England.
- State Trooper: I heard about that place: no guns.
- Graeme Willy: Not many...
- Clive Gollings: No, not really, just... farmers.
- State Trooper: Well how are police supposed to shoot anybody?
- Graeme Willy: [Uncomfortable] Well they don't...
- Clive Gollings: They- they try not to...
- [the state trooper stares at them suspiciously]
- Gas Station Attendant: [Cash register rings, breaking the suspense] $15.58.
- Graeme Willy: Um, twenty, keep the change... give it to charity or something.
- [They hastily exit the store]
- Ruth Buggs: The world is 4000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design.
- Paul: [offscreen in the bathroom] That's horseshit!
- Ruth Buggs: [after 'partaking'] I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages?
- Graeme Willy: Uhh...
- Ruth Buggs: What do you mean by that? Why do you guys hate me? Can we cook up some sausages? Ohh I have wasps in my brain!
- [Ruth falls over]
- Paul: She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time.
- Haggard: [Looking at Clive's novel] What is this, nerd porn?
- Graeme Willy: Oh, no, that's Clive's...
- Clive Gollings: It's my novel.
- Haggard: [Looking at an alien on the cover] Ha! Three tits!
- O'Reilly: That's awesome. You guys should have given her four tits.
- Graeme Willy: [Looking disgusted] That's just sick.
- O'Reilly: I was just sayin'...
- Ruth Buggs: So everything that I have been told my whole life, is just a big fat lie? Do you know how that feels?
- Graeme Willy: Look. Just because your truth, isn't the true truth, doesn't mean there is no truth, Ruth.
- Ruth Buggs: That's easy for you to say.
- Graeme Willy: It's really not.
- Tara Walton: But I don't have my toothbrush!
- Paul: Toothbrush? Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth!
- Graeme Willy: [Graeme has just been shot in the chest by Ruth's father and collapses on the ground, dying] Oh no! I really liked this T-shirt.
- Clive Gollings: What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus?
- Graeme Willy: Well apparently they don't do that.
- Paul: [Paul wiggles his finger inside the hole of a bagel] Anyone want one of these? Yeah? Anyone?
- Haggard: I am authorized to use deadly force! Stand down!
- Moses Buggs: That thing's got my daughter!
- Haggard: Stand down! This is not your mission!
- Moses Buggs: I'm on a mission from God!
- Haggard: Tell him you failed!
- [shoots Buggs]
- Ruth Buggs: Sorry you got killed by my dad.
- Graeme Willy: That's fine. D'you want to try that kiss again?
- Ruth Buggs: Fuck yeah.
- Graeme Willy: Paul, what happens if you get caught?
- Paul: Graeme, they are going to cut out my brain... Yeah it's fucked... kinda a buzz kill... Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Clive when did you last get laid?
- Clive Gollings: Uh. Collectormania London '08... Ewok chick.
- Paul: [sings] Clive likes boning space bears!
- Adam Shadowchild: Well, a wise man said, "You have to spin a good yarn before you can weave a great dream."
- Graeme Willy: Who said that?
- Adam Shadowchild: I did. I just said that.
- [repeated line]
- Adam Shadowchild: 3 tits? That's awesome.
- Haggard: 3 tits? That's awesome.
- Agent Zoil: 3 tits? That's awesome.
- Alien on Paul's ship: 3 tits? Awesome.
- Paul: [Lighting a joint and takes a hit] Do you guys partake?
- Graeme Willy: No. Thank you.
- Ruth Buggs: I'll partake.
- Paul: Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. I think this is the stuff that killed Dylan.
- Graeme Willy: Bob Dylan's not dead.
- Paul: [smiles] Isn't he?
- Adam Shadowchild: [Upon seeing the cover of Clive Gollings' book, which shows an alien woman with 3 breasts] Three tits? Awesome.
- Graeme Willy: [while under the impression that Clive and he are being chased by rednecks] This is just like Deliverance!
- Paul: [shouting out the RV window as Graeme and Clive walk into a gas station] Hey! Reese's Pieces! Thank you!
- The Big Guy: [from the extended version] Shit, I'd shoot you now if I didn't get off on the idea of you being hog-tied and pissed on in Guantanamo Bay.
- Graeme Willy: They've shut Guantanamo Bay.
- The Big Guy: Did they? Be honest with yourselves.
- The Big Guy: I'm the one holding all the cards. And when I say "cards", I of course mean big fucking gun.
- The Big Guy: [to Zoil, about Paul] Shit, the little fucker's probably gonna phone home or something.
- Ruth Buggs: So there's no Heaven? No Hell, no right, no wrong, no sin?
- Graeme Willy: Well...
- [pause]
- Ruth Buggs: I can drink?
- Graeme Willy: If you like.
- Ruth Buggs: I can fornicate?
- Graeme Willy: Maybe.
- Ruth Buggs: I can curse?
- Graeme Willy: Well, yeah.
- Ruth Buggs: [gleefully] Penises!
- Graeme Willy: Ruth...
- Ruth Buggs: Assing hairy boobs poop farting buttholes!
- Graeme Willy: Ruth, I'm not sure this is helping...
- [Ruth grabs Graeme and kisses him]
- Graeme Willy: Wha... What are you doing?
- [Ruth grabs his hand and puts it on her breast]
- Graeme Willy: Aah! Stop it!
- Ruth Buggs: Why? Why should I?
- [grabs Graeme's crotch]
- Graeme Willy: [winces] This is... because... you have your whole life to explore new things. Okay? Doesn't necessarily mean... you should be exploring mine right now.
- Agent Zoil: You know you're a grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes. Have pubic hair.
- O'Reilly: All of those things.