- Adrian Monk: What do you think?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think he's the *man*.
- Adrian Monk: I don't think he's the man. I think he's the guy.
- [Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Disher has a printed off copy of the case breaking photo and a disk]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
- [Stottlemeyer looks at the photo, and comments to Sherman]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. You and your friend take a very *nice*, very *incriminating* picture.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What for?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much."
- [takes an imaginary sip from the mug]
- Lt. Randall Disher: "Mmmm, *guilty*."
- Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
- Adrian Monk: Ok, look...
- [gives her his handkerchief and sits down]
- Adrian Monk: I used to wonder the same thing. When I met Trudy, I said, "Now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
- Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
- Adrian Monk: Yeah. I loved falling in love with her. Every day, every morning, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to say is, just don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true *this weekend*, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
- Julie Teeger: Until I find "Trudy."
- Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come. Just... stop crying. Let me out of here.
- [Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
- Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: It's not even.
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people. Maybe they weren't the same size.
- Adrian Monk: Well, they are now.
- [They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's go over it again, from the top.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
- Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
- Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
- Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
- Lovely Rita: Anytime.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
- Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
- Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers?
- [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
- Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
- Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake? Who are you?
- Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
- Lovely Rita: *Alleged* knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook. Was the wife insured?
- Adrian Monk: No.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
- Lovely Rita: Wake up!
- [scoots her chair over]
- Lovely Rita: You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
- Adrian Monk: He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he was thinking about was the rug.
- Lovely Rita: You're cute.
- Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
- [while they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship]
- Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you...
- [she stands up with sudden realization]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
- Adrian Monk: What?
- [Monk is standing on a chair and busy removing the cover to an air vent]
- Natalie Teeger: Please? I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
- Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him?
- [points at Mr. Morrisey, Dewey's landlord]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
- Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
- [He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He fits the screwdriver blade through the grip of the gun and pulls it out]
- Mr. Morrissy: What is it?
- Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
- Mr. Morrissy: So he had another gun.
- Adrian Monk: But there's... there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun.
- [He puts the gun back. Natalie stands on another chair to be at Monk's height]
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
- Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
- Adrian Monk: Huh?
- Natalie Teeger: In this particular case!
- Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please. Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family.
- Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue... I am probably the least qualified person in North America.
- Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model!
- Adrian Monk: Huh?
- Natalie Teeger: ...in this particular case.
- Adrian Monk: [whispering] I'm supposed to be giving you "the big talk."
- Julie Teeger: [also whispering] Why?
- Adrian Monk: Because you're dating an older boy...
- Julie Teeger: No, I mean, why *you*?
- Adrian Monk: That's what I said!
- Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk.
- [edges toward the door]
- Adrian Monk: This is the end of the talk...
- Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
- Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
- Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
- Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand?
- [Julie starts to cry]
- Adrian Monk: No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying.
- [louder]
- Adrian Monk: What you're feeling is perfectly normal!
- [whispering]
- Adrian Monk: What you're feeling is probably normal.
- Lovely Rita: You're cute.
- Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
- Lovely Rita: You ever unbutton that top button?
- Adrian Monk: Uhh...
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their bank records, their emails, their phone records, talked to their friends. There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
- Adrian Monk: Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they lived in different worlds.
- [hands them one file]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions, bad checks, drugs, a couple of burglaries. And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest. One in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.
- Tim Sussman: Mrs. Teeger! What are you doing here? Is Julie with you?
- Natalie Teeger: No, but you might want to give her a call, because I'm pretty sure she's gonna break up with Clay.
- Tim Sussman: She is? She told you that?
- Natalie Teeger: Not exactly...
- [to Monk]
- Natalie Teeger: Can I tell him?
- Adrian Monk: I don't think you should.
- Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna tell him.
- Adrian Monk: Why do you bother asking then?
- Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
- Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight, alleged. I love that word.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs! Even for blurs, they're blurry. Can you make it bigger?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
- Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that you can't tell who or what they are!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
- Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [attempts to rub the marker off the television monitor] I don't think so.
- [Randy makes another unsuccessful attempt at rubbing the marker off]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. *Flat*.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk.
- [walks out of the room]