Bobcat Goldthwait: Mr. Floppy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : [last lines, reading fan mail]  Dear Mr. Floppy, me and my friends enjoy your show, but please settle an argument. Are you a bear, a dog, or just old socks badly sown together? Lenny Lovejoy, Belmont, Texas. I'm glad you asked that question. I'm all bunny. Just ask my girlfriends.

  [confidentially:] 

  Mr. Floppy : I can be anything you want.

  [voice changes seductively] 

  Mr. Floppy : I can be tender, I can be rough and tough. But only if you''re over eighteen, or have your parents' credit card. Rrrrrr-rufff!

• Mr. Floppy : [dumped in Jack's basement]  Hey, is this Euro Disney?

  Jack Malloy : Are you kidding me? We're in the heart of Paris!

  Mr. Floppy : Then where are all the French people?

  Jack Malloy : I don't know. Maybe they heard there was a German tourist around, they all herd themselves into a stadium to make surrender easier.

  Mr. Floppy : [whines]  You can't fool me, Jack. This is your basement. *What did you do?*

  Jack Malloy : Well... You know Jennie, right?

  Mr. Floppy : Jennie the ex?

  [makes uncouth derisive sound] 

  Mr. Floppy : Let's open a bottle of wine and trash her! Gmph! Can you imagine the loser she's gonna wind up with?

  [laughs] 

  Mr. Floppy : Aw, come on, Jack, jump in!

  Jack Malloy : You know, she's really not a bad person.

  Mr. Floppy : You're... You're *back* with her, aren't you! Aren't you? Look me straight in the buttons that pass for my eyes and tell me you're not back with her.

  Jack Malloy : Well, you know, the kids...

  [voice trails off] 

  Mr. Floppy : Oh, spare me! So I'm the bad girl in this tawdry noire play of yours. Like that sweet Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. That was a woman who knew how to love! What a sad fate. I'm to be as alone as a woman in San Francisco.

  Jack Malloy : Oh... Come on, it's not as if I'm never going to see you. I'll be coming down here all the time. You know, like, uh... when a fuse needs to be changed. And then we can talk about the old times. Brother, we had some times, didn't we?

  Mr. Floppy : [angrily]  Cram it!

  Jack Malloy : You know, you were never good with moments.

  [exits basement, switches off light, an act of finality] 

  Mr. Floppy : [dejected in the dark]  This must be how they canceled Alf.