Geoff Pierson: Jack Malloy

Quotes 

• Mr. Floppy : That's what's wrong with this country. Let the weak win. Every nerd makes the team. Every loser gets to play. Gee, maybe we should have let Hitler win. He had a hard childhood, doesn't he deserve to rule the world? Jack, there's a conspiracy going on out there. Evil people are trying to destroy our great country. I'm not mentioning any names, but they're iced mocha cappuccino-drinking, cafe-eating, J. Crew-wearing, Beemer-driving, Friends-watching, sushi-tasting, Sydney temple burning yuppies!

  [takes a breath after all that] 

  Mr. Floppy : And they're starting with our most hallowed institution, the Miss America contest. They wanna make talent more important than the swimsuit competition.

  Jack Malloy : That's how we ended up with a fat Miss America who plays the harp.

  Mr. Floppy : And when was the last time we won a Miss Universe contest? We can't compete with the Brazils of the world, because they know that good hooters and tight butts are more important than a

  [sarcastically now:] 

  Mr. Floppy : sensitive soul and blubbery thighs. We've lost our killer instinct! We haven't destroyed another country in years!

  [softly warning:] 

  Mr. Floppy : Look, world, don't get too cocky out there. The real Americans are still here. And one day, we're going to wake up from our drunken stupor, and realize we've got a fat, ugly Miss America, and say "What the hell happened here?" And on that day, we'll grab our guns, and swig one more beer, and kill, and kill, and kill

  [really into this] 

  Mr. Floppy : until this is the great country it once was!

  [patriotic fervor:] 

  Mr. Floppy : U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

• Mr. Floppy : [calling out, all Tantric]  Drewww, Drewww...

  Jack Malloy : What are you doing?

  Mr. Floppy : It's my mantra, man. I'm tuning in to Drew Barrymore. Come to me, my little nymphet. Drewww, Drewww...

  Jack Malloy : Come on. You couldn't even get Drew Carey.