Self - Host: Stop worrying about what your "lane" is. Everyone's focused on their own micro-targeted path from New Hampshire to the iron throne.
[laughter]
Self - Host: They've all got their eye on the Pizza Hut at the end of the game, but no one's playing well enough to earn it. I say it's time we "Moneyball" this thing. Democrats need a coach. And this year, I have tried to be that coach.
[clips of an interview with California representative Adam Schiff are shown]
Self - Host: Yeah. This has now become an issue for all the Democrats, with many going on Fox. But if I'm going to be your coach...
[putting on a blue baseball cap with the Democrat donkey logo on it]
Self - Host: Oh, wait, I... I have a whistle, too.
[blowing it]
Self - Host: ...all these candidates have to remember one thing: winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. You know who said that? Vince Lombardi, and he knew two things Hillary Clinton did not: how to win, and where Wisconsin is.
[laughter and applause]
Self - Host: And that is rule number one: go where the votes are. Get out of Wokeville, for a day. See what's going on in Mullet Town.
[laughter]
Self - Host: You've already got NPR. Go on Fox! And you can't let Trump completely own the low road; if he's gonna call people names, he should get it back. A few weeks ago, when it came out that he lost more money than any other American over a ten-year period, I suggested this.
[a clip of an old monologue is shown]
Self - Host: Elizabeth Warren, start calling him Brokeahontas.
[laughter]
Self - Host: Brokeahontas. And it was just stupid enough to go viral.