- Scully: Aw, this ice cream is melting.
- Hitchcock: Who cares? We can drink melted ice cream. We can't eat spoiled ham. We have to prioritize!
- Scully: What if we combine them? Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito.
- Hitchcock: [Proudly and affectionately] This man. This man is my best friend!
- Rosa Diaz: You two are the worst people to have around in an emergency. I literally can't imagine a scenario where you'd be helpful.
- Scully: Murder at a Cinnabon. Who would you call?
- Rosa Diaz: Someone who wouldn't be distracted by the frosting.
- Scully: Yeah, I do love that frosting.
- Raymond Holt: This is a nightmare of mine. I have a phobia of elevators. It stems from a traumatic experience I had as a child.
- Young Holt: [Flashback] They only perform rated-load testing on city elevators every five years? Oh, my.
- Raymond Holt: [Present] That was the last time I read the municipal code before bed. But... the damage was done.
- Terry Jeffords: Hello? Anyone? We're stuck in the elevator!
- Raymond Holt: Can't you yell any louder? Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.
- Terry Jeffords: These are my pecs.
- Raymond Holt: So this is all just for show then. It has no functional purpose.
- Terry Jeffords: I mean, I am pretty strong.
- Raymond Holt: Good, then rip those doors open.
- Terry Jeffords: I can't do that.
- Raymond Holt: Oh, well at least you haven't dedicated a significant portion of your life to looking like this.
- Amy Santiago: Charles, meet Mac.
- Jake Peralta: Short for McClane.
- Charles Boyle: As in Shirley? I love it.
- Jake Peralta: No, as in John, from "Die Hard."
- Charles Boyle: I mean, they're both incredibly cool. Only one Oscar winner.
- Jake Peralta: [Dotty is torturing the suspect to get information] Dotty, that's against the law.
- Dotty: I am the law.
- Jake Peralta: What made you like this?
- Charles Boyle: This is it. My purpose is clear. I was put on this Earth to get you back in time to see your baby's birth.
- Jake Peralta: I mean, you're a grown man with your own hopes and dreams.
- Charles Boyle: [Decisively] My purpose is clear.
- Jake Peralta: This is great, Dotty, but we're kind of in a hurry. My wife just went into labor and I want to get there in time for the birth.
- Dotty: Why? The only man in the room should be the doctor.
- Jake Peralta: Okay.
- Dotty: All the dad needs to do is to make the money and have a nice, thick belt for when it's time to teach him a lesson.
- Russ: My dad hit me with a belt. Soon as I got big enough, I shot him.
- Jake Peralta: Wow, what a fun group for this, the most important day of my life.
- Jake Peralta: [about a suspect missing from an accident scene] Okay, Charles, I see two possibilities. One, he was vaporized into a being of pure electricity, becoming a supervillain known only as "The Surge Freak."
- Officer Rick: Seems unlikely.
- Jake Peralta: Yeah, I know, Officer Rick, that's why I said there were two possibilities. He probably just hobbled off so he wouldn't get a DUI. Here, we'll follow this very obvious trail of blood. Happy now?
- [Muttering to himself, as he and Charles leave]
- Jake Peralta: Stupid Officer Rick and his stupid joyless approach to life!
- Russ: She shot me! She shot me in the leg.
- Dotty: You made a sudden motion!
- Russ: I sneezed!
- Jake Peralta: Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?
- Dotty: To protect myself. Cops are all wimps now.
- [mockingly]
- Dotty: My wife is having a baby and I have to be there to brush her hair.
- Jake Peralta: I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
- Charles Boyle: You weren't?
- Kayla: Oh, yuck, none of you are cute with the lights fully on.
- Charles Boyle: You wanna play mean girl, Kayla? Two can play at that game. Let's talk about your bangs.
- Jake Peralta: [about Holt and Terry, who are trapped in the elevator] Yeah, they're trapped in there.
- Rosa Diaz: Oh no, that means we have to call the fire department.
- Jake Peralta: Or, hear me out, we leave them in there forever, and move on emotionally.
- Dotty: In my day, people respected police.
- Jake Peralta: They respect us; they just have nowhere to go.
- Dotty: God knows they won't go back to their own country.
- Jake Peralta: Dotty, I really wish you weren't such a big part of my son's birth story.
- Amy Santiago: Fine, look... I don't have to go to the hospital until my contractions are three minutes apart and last for at least 45 seconds.
- Rosa Diaz: Yeah, but don't you need to go home and pack some stuff?
- Amy Santiago: I'll be fine. Scully, you have a hospital go-bag at your desk, right?
- Scully: Yep, what do you need? One-day, three-day, coma kit?
- Amy Santiago: Hey, what's taking so long?
- Fireman Curt: Look, I can do it safely or I can do it quickly.
- Amy Santiago: Do it quickly!
- Fireman Curt: Oh, I can't do it quickly. You called my bluff.
- Amy Santiago: I see you changed.
- Rosa Diaz: Oh yeah. That other outfit had a lot of afterbirth on it. Also during-birth and pre-birth. The point is I burned it.