- Narrator: Okay, let's start. Father.
- Chris Rock: Tired.
- Narrator: Mother.
- Chris Rock: Bald.
- Narrator: Excuse me?
- Chris Rock: Sorry. I was still on "father."
- Narrator: Thank God. I thought you had a bald mother.
- Ms. Morello: Chris, after looking at your test results, I'm very concerned.
- Narrator: I'd been getting my ass whooped for two years and now she's concerned?
- Narrator: Chris, what do you want to do when you get out of school?
- Chris Rock: I don't know.
- Narrator: You know, you got about as much direction as a broken compass. I'm surprised you were even able to find your way to this office. According to this test, you put the "upid" in "stupid." The way I see it, you're about two bad decisions away from a life of crime.
- Chris Rock: I don't know anything about crime.
- Narrator: Make that one bad decision.
- Narrator: You can learn anywhere, Chris. You can learn by reading a fortune cookie. If you get hit by a truck, you learn not to walk out into traffic. If you smack Mike Tyson, you learn that you are going to get your ass whooped.
- Greg Wuliger: I settled on being an astronaut. I'm... I'm wearing a diaper.
- Narrator: A diaper? You mean, you want to fly a rocket, but you're still gonna pee in your pants?
- Greg Wuliger: Well, they don't make you do it, but I wanted to see if I could take it.
- Narrator: Nobody could take it, Greg. Now, get the funk out of my office!
- Narrator: [to Chris] You know what they do to food before they give it to people? They test it. They don't even give people paper towels without testing it first. How do you think they know that Bounty is the quicker picker-upper? They test it, and you know what happens to all the other paper towels that couldn't sop up the grease? They fail and get sent back.
- Chris Rock: Well, maybe if they would've told the paper towel that he needed to sop up the grease to get to the store, he would've done better.
- Narrator: What are you talking about?
- Chris Rock: I don't know. You started it.
- Narrator: [to Rochelle] I'm sorry, but it's all right there in the test.
- Rochelle: Tests, tests. You keep talking about tests. I'm here to talk about my son. I mean, what does a test prove anyway? Charles Manson passed some tests.
- Narrator: I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your son.
- Rochelle: Well, I'm saying that there's something wrong with you. You're supposed to be a guidance counselor. Guide.
- Narrator: I did the best I could.
- Rochelle: No, you didn't. "Go find yourself." What is that?
- Narrator: I'm not trying to hold your son back, but going to college without knowing what you want to study is kind of like going to a grocery store without knowing what you want to eat.
- Rochelle: And telling a boy to figure out what he wants to do by telling him to do nothing is like telling him to learn how to swim by drowning.
- Narrator: What are you talking about?
- Rochelle: I don't know, but you started it.
- Rochelle: Look, Chris, I don't know what you're going to do with your life. You may go to college, you may not, but I know whatever you do, you're going to be good at it 'cause I ain't having no grown man sleeping in my house.
- Julius: Rochelle, the reason I said those things to Chris is because nobody said those things to me. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. And, yeah, I mean, I don't get a lot of sleep, and I don't make a lot of money, but I've got you. I've got my kids and that's all I need.
- Narrator: At that moment, I didn't have any idea what I wanted to do, but what I wanted to be was just like my father.