- Susan Harper: I need to pack for the weekend.
- Ben Harper: Oh, yes. I forgot you were going away. Darling, how am I going to cope without you?
- Susan Harper: Oh, you'll be fine. I won't take the remote control.
- Ben Harper: OK.
- Alfie Butts: Stiff neck, Janey?
- Janey Harper: Oh, yeah! It's killing me!
- Alfie Butts: You know, I am skilled in the fine art of massage. I could help. Back home in the farm, I used to give the pigs massages to put them at ease - right before the spike was driven into their head.
- Ben Harper: Have you ever massaged anything on two legs?
- Alfie Butts: Oh, sure. Chickens, mostly. Although, I did do a duck with a nasty hamstring problem once. Two sessions, he was as good as new!
- Susan Harper: Michael, are you alright? Are you hurt? What happened? Say something.
- Michael Harper: I failed my driving test.
- Ben Harper: Oh, my God, is that all? I thought you smashed up my car, the insurance rates were going to double...
- Susan Harper: [Gives Ben a stern look]
- Ben Harper: ...but the important thing is you're safe!
- Susan Harper: Michael, Michael. It's just a driving test. You can take it again. It'll be OK.
- Michael Harper: I'm a failure. First time I've ever failed at anything. Don't know how to react.
- Ben Harper: Janey, tell Michael how to react.
- Janey Harper: What? Don't ask me! I passed my driving test the first time!
- Michael Harper: Oh, my God!
- Susan Harper: I've never seen Michael so down. I'm really worried about him.
- Ben Harper: So what do you want me to do about it?
- Susan Harper: Worry with me.
- Ben Harper: Hey, Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! You know, Mikey, I often find myself in here late at night, nursing a scotch, wondering 'how did I get here?' Most nights.
- Michael Harper: I just can't sleep, that's all. Maybe I'm no good at sleeping, either.
- Ben Harper: Yep. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Michael, is that this is my place to sulk. So maybe you could do yours in the living room?
- Ben Harper: Mikey, you know, the driving test is no big deal.
- Michael Harper: You don't get it. This is massive.
- Ben Harper: No. Look, because you fail at something, doesn't mean you're a failure.
- Michael Harper: That's exactly what it means.
- Ben Harper: Yeah, fine! OK, right! OK, if you want to be literal about it, yes, you are a failure. Fine, but you know, all I'm saying is, you know, you've got to lighten up a bit!
- Michael Harper: You don't understand what it's like because you're used to failure.
- Ben Harper: And the good news is the more you do it, the less it hurts.
- Alfie Butts: Janey, you still seem to be in considerable pain. What exactly happened?
- Janey Harper: I was on the gym on the treadmill.
- Alfie Butts: Exercising without proper supervision is a minefield.
- Janey Harper: Actually, some fit bloke went past and I just jerked my head too quickly.
- Alfie Butts: That used to happen to the pigs when the butcher drove past!
- Ben Harper: Ah, yes! You're witnessing a rite of passage today, sir! The first pint I've ever bought my son!
- Bartender: It's still £5.30.
- Ben Harper: Very nice. It's cheaper down south!
- Bartender: Yeah, but you don't get my smiling demeanour!
- Ben Harper: You know, Michael, I remember the first pint my dad ever bought me!
- Michael Harper: Celebrating Armistice Day?
- Receptionist: Would you please take Mrs Harper and her friend to 103?
- Susan Harper: We are just friends.
- Receptionist: I'm sure you are!
- Susan Harper: No, but you said friends like in 'friend'.
- Receptionist: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you please take Mrs Harper and her 'friend' to 103?
- Susan Harper: Perhaps you should just call us business associates?
- Receptionist: Very well - Mrs Harper and her business associate to 103.
- Susan Harper: Look you!
- James Garret: Susan.
- [Walks to the room with Susan]
- Bellman: Affair?
- Receptionist: Prostitute!
- Ben Harper: Well? Well, how did you get on?
- Michael Harper: I think I made quite an impression.
- Ben Harper: Good boy!
- Michael Harper: I threw up on him.
- Ben Harper: Great...
- Michael Harper: As I was apologising, I threw up on him again.
- Michael Harper: Have you tried the hotel?
- Ben Harper: I can't remember the name of it.
- Michael Harper: Mum told you where she would be staying.
- Ben Harper: Yes, I know - at least 10 times! But I can't be expected to remember every detail your mother mentions!
- Michael Harper: Wasn't it the same place you took her on your anniversary?
- Ben Harper: Ye... Oh, yeah, erm...
- Michael Harper: Didn't you say they did your room up with champagne and rose petals?
- Ben Harper: Mmm... yeah... The... The... Oh...
- Michael Harper: You said they overcharged you for something.
- Ben Harper: The Montgomery!
- Ben Harper: How would you like some free dental work?
- Receptionist: Are you threatening me?
- Ben Harper: No, I'm a dentist!
- Ben Harper: OK, here's £5, OK?
- Receptionist: Are you trying to bribe me?
- Ben Harper: No, I'm just giving you £5.
- Receptionist: Oh. Alright. Thank you.
- Ben Harper: [pause] Well?
- Receptionist: Well, what?
- Ben Harper: Give me the number.
- Receptionist: I told you, I can't do that.
- Ben Harper: I just gave you £5!
- Receptionist: You just said it wasn't a bribe!