Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : Michael, are you alright? Are you hurt? What happened? Say something.

  Michael Harper : I failed my driving test.

  Ben Harper : Oh, my God, is that all? I thought you smashed up my car, the insurance rates were going to double...

  Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : ...but the important thing is you're safe!

• Susan Harper : Michael, Michael. It's just a driving test. You can take it again. It'll be OK.

  Michael Harper : I'm a failure. First time I've ever failed at anything. Don't know how to react.

  Ben Harper : Janey, tell Michael how to react.

  Janey Harper : What? Don't ask me! I passed my driving test the first time!

  Michael Harper : Oh, my God!

• Ben Harper : Hey, Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! You know, Mikey, I often find myself in here late at night, nursing a scotch, wondering 'how did I get here?' Most nights.

  Michael Harper : I just can't sleep, that's all. Maybe I'm no good at sleeping, either.

  Ben Harper : Yep. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say, Michael, is that this is my place to sulk. So maybe you could do yours in the living room?

• Ben Harper : Mikey, you know, the driving test is no big deal.

  Michael Harper : You don't get it. This is massive.

  Ben Harper : No. Look, because you fail at something, doesn't mean you're a failure.

  Michael Harper : That's exactly what it means.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, fine! OK, right! OK, if you want to be literal about it, yes, you are a failure. Fine, but you know, all I'm saying is, you know, you've got to lighten up a bit!

  Michael Harper : You don't understand what it's like because you're used to failure.

  Ben Harper : And the good news is the more you do it, the less it hurts.

• Ben Harper : You know, Michael, I remember the first pint my dad ever bought me!

  Michael Harper : Celebrating Armistice Day?

• Ben Harper : Well? Well, how did you get on?

  Michael Harper : I think I made quite an impression.

  Ben Harper : Good boy!

  Michael Harper : I threw up on him.

  Ben Harper : Great...

  Michael Harper : As I was apologising, I threw up on him again.

• Michael Harper : Have you tried the hotel?

  Ben Harper : I can't remember the name of it.

  Michael Harper : Mum told you where she would be staying.

  Ben Harper : Yes, I know - at least 10 times! But I can't be expected to remember every detail your mother mentions!

  Michael Harper : Wasn't it the same place you took her on your anniversary?

  Ben Harper : Ye... Oh, yeah, erm...

  Michael Harper : Didn't you say they did your room up with champagne and rose petals?

  Ben Harper : Mmm... yeah... The... The... Oh...

  Michael Harper : You said they overcharged you for something.

  Ben Harper : The Montgomery!