Quotes
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[Jeremy and Mark, with their yards of ale, have joined Aurora and Lucy]
Jeremy Usborne : What can I get you two? How about a foot a wine?
Lucy : Can I get a metre of vodka...
[to Mark, with a flirty look]
Lucy : with an inch of tonic?
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Come on, Mark! Turn it on, play the game!
[to Lucy]
Mark Corrigan : Oh, uh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational... you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.
[voiceover]
Mark Corrigan : Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.
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Aurora : So, that's great you're in a band. What's it called?
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, right now we're called Various Artists, just to fuck over people with iPods. We think it'll set us back two or three years, which is cool.
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Jeremy Usborne : [driving the boat] Warp Factor three please, Scotty!
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Oh great, I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.
-
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Oh God, I think I love her. I think I'm falling in love... or getting a bone-on, which is basically the same thing when you get rid of all the Valentine cards and bullshit.
-
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] I'll just take it to one of those massive council bins. Dump and run. Just like my paperboy days. Ha! Screw you, Murdoch.
-
[Mark and Jeremy are having a stag weekend on a canal boat]
Mark Corrigan : So good to just get away.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh yeah. The Stag Aquatic. So, come on, let's max out the engine a bit, tear it up.
Mark Corrigan : Actually this is almost top speed.
[the boat is only going a few miles per hour]
Jeremy Usborne : What if we hit trouble?
Mark Corrigan : I don't think we're going to hit trouble on the Shropshire Union Canal, Jeremy.
Jeremy Usborne : Right, but this is just it? This is totally it? There's not gonna be any waves or mad shit?
Mark Corrigan : No.
Jeremy Usborne : Can I water-ski off the back?
Mark Corrigan : You're very welcome to try!
Jeremy Usborne : Jesus. Well, let's stop here then and go for a drink.
Mark Corrigan : Jez, it's 10 in the morning!
Jeremy Usborne : Well, what else are we gonna do? Just sit here, freezing our nuts off, talking to each other? I mean, what the hell are we gonna talk about?
Mark Corrigan : I dunno... stuff, banter, chat. Isn't that what you had in mind when you organised this thing?
Jeremy Usborne : Sure. Yeah. S'pose. So how do you feel now the wedding's back on track?
Mark Corrigan : Not that.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh right, not that! Well, what then? I can't think of anything to say, you start.
Mark Corrigan : [looks around then points at something] Hey, is that a kingfisher?
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, for God's sake! If we're gonna talk, let's talk about something proper, like films.
Mark Corrigan : [voiceover] Ugh, films. Another hour of my life gone trying to explain to him what The Matrix is.
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] This weekend is gonna be one massive dry hump. Maybe the pressure will build to the point where we actually try to fuck each other.
-
[They're playing chess in the canal boat]
Jeremy Usborne : Oh come on, let's get out of here. It's doing our nuts in. Let's go and get you some sweet punani action.
Mark Corrigan : I don't want sweet punani action, I want to take your bishop and grind you down.
-
[Jeremy is driving Aurora's dad's Range Rover Sport while smoking a joint]
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] God, look at me drive. I'm Clarkson!
[the car makes a grinding noise]
Aurora : Are you sure it's OK to put in unleaded? We always normally do diesel.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh trust me, these babies run on anything.
-
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Oh yeah, pissed and stoned in a gas-guzzler. This is the life. Already given a quid to Greenpeace this year so I'm golden.
-
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Oh yeah, this is cool. Just don't think about the dead dog. If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.
Aurora : Let's roll, cowboy. Where's Mummy?
Jeremy Usborne : Mummy?
Aurora : Yeah, I let her out for a piss.
Jeremy Usborne : Are you sure she was with us?
Aurora : Jeremy, she was on the back seat.
Jeremy Usborne : She must have run off.
[voiceover]
Jeremy Usborne : Except she defintely hasn't because I'm carrying her around in this bag.
Aurora : She never just runs off.
Jeremy Usborne : She is a wild animal. You know, the call of the wild. She might have become leader of a pack of foxes or...
Aurora : Jez, it's Mummy. We're not just leaving her.
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Why did I put her in the bag? I should have thrown her like a discus.
Aurora : [trying to call the dog] Mum-meee! Come on, Jeremy.
Jeremy Usborne : [half-heartedly] Mummy.
Aurora : Mum-meee!
Jeremy Usborne : Mummy.
Aurora : Oh God, I don't what I'd do if I lost her!
Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover] Well, you're very close to finding out.
-
Jeremy Usborne : Here, Mark, I'll tell you what, you piss in this bottle, I'll drink it.
Mark Corrigan : What? What the hell for?
Jeremy Usborne : For a laugh, it's the stag!
Mark Corrigan : No Jez, if you drank my piss, I'd feel violated.
Jeremy Usborne : Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss? I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.
Mark Corrigan : I'm sorry, but no.
Jeremy Usborne : You wouldn't let me drink your piss?
Mark Corrigan : Why would you even want to drink my piss?
Jeremy Usborne : For a laugh!
Mark Corrigan : What the hell made you think of that?
Jeremy Usborne : I'm just bored, OK! I'd let you drink my piss.
Mark Corrigan : Oh, thank you very much.
-
Jeremy Usborne : Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse, there's a chance I still might get laid here.
Mark Corrigan : Oh right, this is sort of like a disgusting version of The Great Egg Race!
