- Alan Harper: Since when do you make chili?
- Charlie Harper: [drunk] There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. I am a man of many layers. Strata, if you will.
- Alan Harper: I see.
- Charlie Harper: A thin crust, magma and a chewy nougat center.
- Alan Harper: Great. Uh... Anyway, tomorrow I have to go the DMV to get my license renewed.
- Charlie Harper: Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?
- [drops an onion]
- Charlie Harper: Run! Run! You're free!
- Alan Harper: Listen, I... I need to ask you for a favor.
- Charlie Harper: [drunk] Your needs. Your needs. What about my needs?
- Alan Harper: Are you capable of having a conversation?
- Charlie Harper: Capable? I just spent twenty minutes discussing open-toed shoes with a fat man from Rangoon. He's a Rangooooooonian.
- Alan Harper: We'll talk in the morning.
- Charlie Harper: I wouldn't count on it.
- Charlie Harper: Go ahead, you talk. I'll cook.
- Alan Harper: It's 11:30. What are you cooking?
- Charlie Harper: Good question. And I can give you the answer in two words: my famous homemade chili.
- Charlie Harper: [drunk] Thank you for transporting me home. You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country. Damn, where is that key? Here key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key! Ah-ha! Hello, key.
- [door won't open]
- Charlie Harper: Oh, no! Wrong house! I'm lost!
- [Alan opens the door from the inside]
- Alan Harper: Hello?
- Charlie Harper: Oh! Hey, Alan! Come on in!
- Alan Harper: Why don't you come in here?
- Charlie Harper: I can't. I lost my key.
- [shows his keys]
- Charlie Harper: Daaaaaah!
- Alan Harper: Had a... a few cocktails, did we?
- Charlie Harper: Me, too.