The boys and men alike are upset at Cmdr. Wivenhoe for being too rough on them. Since he's given little money for Camp Cook Malden to work with, the men conspire to pool their money to buy a cow and eat its delectable cuts. They buy a cow from a farmer, Mr. Putney, for $34 and name her Lucille. The women of Camp Divine are appalled that they plan to kill it for food. Pruett: "Don't be silly. What do you think cows are for? You have steaks in your camp, don't you?" The women see his point. The men gather to kill the cow and draw lots to see who will do the deed. Fate brings it into Malden's hands, but he can't bring himself to do after it keeps looking at him. None of the other men can, either. Pruett's comical, crazy solution: "Cows are always getting hit by cars on the highway. So, we take Lucille out on the road, tie her up and wait for a car to come along and run into her." They tie her up along the tiny country road at the camp entrance, with no cars passing. They all vote to give the cow to Camp Divine as a pet. Wivenhoe goes to apologize to the women for his behavior earlier. Mahala May has romantic interests, however, setting up a picnic on by the lake. Her marriage hopes take a turn when a delivery of meat and Wivenhoe carrying an ax make everyone think the commander took out Lucille. Dislike of him has reached increasingly new heights unless things are straightened out.
Zany, dark humor makes up for a poorly-paced plot. The concept does make you think, however. I'm not sure I could bring myself to do it, either. But, what if everyone felt that way? We'd be overrun with animals and starving to death. The title is misguided, as the cow and marriage are two unrelated plot points. There seems to be resolution half-way through the episode before it feels like the writers had to come up with something else to fill the time. Still, through the plot shortcomings there's still enough humor for it to be a worthwhile watch.