Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

Justin Long: Brandon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Zack Brown : What brings you here?

  Brandon : I came here with somebody who went to school here, Bobby Long.

  Zack Brown : No shit! That's who my friend's hitting on right now! See, right there, the one dressed like Hannah Montana.

  Brandon : In L.A. we call that look 'Nickelodeon Chique'.

  Zack Brown : Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man, what do you do out there?

  Brandon : I'm an actor.

  Zack Brown : Wow! That's really impressive.

  Brandon : Thank you.

  Zack Brown : Fucking movies?

  Brandon : Fucking movies. Pretty much.

  Zack Brown : Look at you! Anything I've seen? What movies?

  Brandon : Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.

  Zack Brown : All-male casts? Like "Glengarry Glen Ross"? Like that?

  Brandon : Like "Glen and Gary suck Ross's meaty cock and drop their hairy nuts in his eager mouth."

  Zack Brown : [stunned]  ... is that like a sequel?

  Brandon : Sort of. It's a reimagining.

  Zack Brown : Oh, like "The Wiz".

  Brandon : More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.

  Zack Brown : I apologize in advance if I'm out of line here, but are you in gay porn?

  Brandon : Guilty as charged.

• Brandon : I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended.

  Zack : Well, who's your demographic?

  Brandon : Do you like pussy?

  Zack : Yeah.

  Brandon : Then not you.

• Brandon : [to Bobby]  I will be your Sherpa up the mountain of gayness.

• Zack Brown : Hello, Miriam.

  Miriam Linky : Beat it, we're talking.

  Zack Brown : I just wanted to introduce you to Brandon.

  Brandon : Salutations.

  Zack Brown : Bobby's boyfriend.

  Miriam Linky : Bobby who?

  Bobby Long : Bobby me.

  Zack Brown : Brandon, uh, is the star as such adult fare as, what was that one called again?

  Brandon : "You better shut your mouth or I'm gonna fuck it."

  Zack Brown : That's right. I'm surprised I forgot that.

  Miriam Linky : Are you fucking with me?

  Zack Brown : [amused]  No, they're fucking with each other.

• Brandon : [fighting with Bobby]  The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too!

  Zack : They fight just like *real* people!

• Zack Brown : [to Brandon and Bobby]  So, you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

  Brandon : Oh, like crazy.

• Bobby Long : This is exactly why you haven't met my mother! Because you don't know how to ease people in to this situation, you just force your way in every time!

  Brandon : Baby, I thought maybe for one second in this God-forsaken town I could be myself! I'm so sorry, you're right, I should just butch up and pretend that I don't love it when you shove your dick in my mouth!

  Zack Brown : [to himself]  This is the best night of my life.

  Brandon : Am I making a spectacle? Because I could make a much bigger scene. I'm sorry, Pittsburg, listen up Monroevers, my name is Brandon St. Randy, and I love Bobby Long!

  Zack Brown : Fucking A!

  Brandon : Is that enough for you? Is that enough of a scene? Cause I could start doing a lot worse then that. And the reason that you haven't taken me home to your mother is that your mother, with her makeup and all her drinking, she's in the closet too.

  Zack Brown : [in awe]  They fight just like real people...

• Brandon : I can't keep my hands off him, I'm so sorry.

  Bobby Long : You've had one too many cosmos.

  Brandon : You know although he does most of the eating in the sack if you know what I mean. In the sack and of the sack.

• Miriam Linky : [after hitting on Bobby and meeting his boyfriend]  You're gay?

  Bobby Long : Yeah.

  Miriam Linky : [to Brandon]  And I'm on the internet wearing... a diaper?

  Brandon : Who knew you'd come to Pittsburgh and meet a celebrity? Ha ha!

  Miriam Linky : [to Zack]  I'm gonna binge-drink now until I pass out.

  Zack Brown : Okay. She'll be fine. So you guys suck each other's cocks, huh?

  Brandon : Oh, like crazy.

• Brandon : Oh my god... no!

  Miriam Linky : What?

  Brandon : Granny Panties?

  Miriam Linky : Excuse me?

  Brandon : This is so crazy! I was literally just watching you like right before we got here! This is you, right?

  [pulls out his iPhone and shows a YouTube clip of Miri in a changing room wearing big underwear. The narrator says "My name's Granny Panties and nobody wants to fuck me! Nothing's whiter then my big gay ass."] 

  Miriam Linky : [Miri gasps in horror] 

  Zack Brown : Where'd you get that?

  Brandon : Oh, I entered 'gay' and 'ass' and it was the top hit. It's had 200 thousand views in three hours. Honey, you are, like, I'm actually jealous right now cause you're like super famous!

  Miriam Linky : [to Bobby]  You're gay?

  Bobby Long : [apologetically]  Yeah...

  Miriam Linky : And I'm the internet wearing... a diaper?

  Brandon : Who knew you'd come to Pittsburg and meet a celebrity?

  Miriam Linky : I'm gonna binge drink now until I pass out now.