- Helen Lovejoy: You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Helen, please. Don't drop the J-bomb.
- [Homer notices a sideline official waving his out-of-bounds flag]
- Homer Simpson: Hey! You got something against the American flag, bub?
- [Homer headbutts the guy in the stomach]
- Little Girl: Hey! That's my dad!
- Homer Simpson: I'm your dad now!
- Homer Simpson: [refereeing Lisa's soccer game] Yellow card!
- Lisa Simpson: You can't give me a yellow card. You're my dad!
- Homer Simpson: When I put on these shorts, I'm not your dad. And judging by how tight they are, I'll never be anyone else's dad, either.
- Homer Simpson: Thanks, honey.
- Homer Simpson: I prepared by watching hours and hours of soccer.
- Homer Simpson: I almost saw a goal once.
- Homer Simpson: But there were SO MANY ads for Spanish cell phones!
- [Homer runs a lot, and then pukes in a nearby cone]
- Homer Simpson: Does somebody have another barf cone?
- Homer Simpson: Son, I will never understand women if I live to be forty.
- Bart Simpson: Big if.
- Homer Simpson: You said it. Enjoy me while you can.
- Lisa Simpson: I'm so proud of you, Mom. You're like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people did before you.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, you have to get on the net. It's where all the best conspiracy theories are. Did you know Hezbollah owns Little Debbie Food Snacks? This stuff will rock your world.
- Marge Simpson: How could you kill your own mother?
- Bart Simpson: It was just a game. A game I was enjoying it until you mommed all over it.
- Marge Simpson: Kids, what are you doing up so late?
- Lisa Simpson: We just got up. It's 7:30 AM.
- Marge Simpson: I played on the computer all night?
- Bart Simpson: Actually, it's Saturday.
- Marge Simpson: I played a day and an night?
- Lisa Simpson: Bart, it's not Saturday.
- Bart Simpson: Shh!